Amazon.com: Bedding Comforters - Queen / Comforters ... - top100.onlinerealmoneytopgames.xyz

PART TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY-ONE
Saturday
Lucas came awake at the first ding of his phone, snapping so quickly out of his sleep that a headache immediately pounded behind his eyes. A hand was already reaching across his chest, but he shoved it away. “I’m awake,” he murmured, without opening his eyes.
“Very well, sir,” he heard Angus reply, straightening up in his seat behind the wheel.
Using the same hand (since it was already in motion), Lucas fumbled for the phone in his pocket, and once he had it, he tapped his thumb against the bottom of the screen where the accept button would be located. “Dobson,” he said, only to get another series of beeps that went right through his addled brain.
He groaned and grimaced, pulling the phone away from his ear and cracking his eyes a fraction to look blearily at the screen.
“Allow me, sir,” Angus said, sliding the phone from his fingers.
Lucas closed his eyes. Yeah … sure. His thoughts started to feather once more.
“It’s a message from Boyd,” Angus said. “He sent…”
* * *
Call me if you can’t get in.
Robbie stared at the cryptic message from the big guy. What the bell did that even mean? Why wouldn’t I be able to get in? I’ve got my keys on me, and even if I didn’t, Lucas would … Ah, snit! Looking at the top bar, Robbie realised the message went to Lucas as well as Sam, Llyr and Ivy.
“Is everything alright?” Mrs D asked, pausing alongside Robbie with a box of Charlie’s clothes in her arms.
“Ummm, yeah. I think. Boyd’s just sending me weird messages.”
“Well, I hope he’s not sending them to Luke. That boy has done so many hours those black rings around his eyes could be mistaken for tractor inner tubes. He needs to sleep the rest of the weekend if he’s going to be any good as a detective Monday morning.”
“I’ll make sure he does, Mrs D,” Robbie promised, not disagreeing with her in the least. He himself may have had even less, but there was a very good reason for his ability to function on half an hour’s sleep.
“I still can’t believe he’s a detective,” Charlie muttered. “I’ve been cheering from the sidelines for him to get that promotion for nearly ten years, and when he finally gets it, I’m stuck in the hospital out cold.”
Robbie winced. “Actually, sweet pea, you’d be doing everyone a big favour if you didn’t remind him about that. He’s been beating himself up pretty hard that he was sitting for that test instead of sitting on you.”
“Well, that’s just dumb.”
Since it’s all coming out … “Charlie, he’s not the only one. I sent you an ‘are you okay?’ message yesterday morning, and did nothing about it when you didn't answer. I should’ve blown up your boss’ phone to find out why not, or gone to the shop myself to— oof!”
Robbie was so focused on getting through his apology that he didn’t see the My Little Pony pillow until it smacked him in the face. Charlie was across the room, a vexed look on her face and her finger pointing at him accusingly. “That’s your only warning, mister! Neither you, nor that idiot brother of mine is responsible for what happened to me and P—”
She froze; tears suddenly springing to life in her eyes. But then she gnashed her teeth and curled her finger, tapping herself in the forehead in her determination to keep it under control.
Robbie wasn’t having a bar of that.
Launching himself across her bed, he landed to one side facing her and hauled her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. “Go on, honey. Don't try to hold it in. Let it all out,” he crooned, as Charlie stiffened in his arms. “Paul was a good man and deserves your tears.”
Charlie gasped at the mention of her former boss’ name. She squirmed and struggled, pushing the flat of her hands against his chest. When that didn’t work, the pushing turned into slapping and the tears turned into deep, howling sobs.
This wasn’t going away anytime soon. Paul had been more than just a boss to Charlie. He had been her friend and a second father of sorts. His loss and the way he was taken would forever haunt Charlie.
“That’s it, sweet pea.” Robbie held her easily, shifting between squeezes of support and soft, comfort petting of her hair back and shoulders with one hand.
Mrs D stood to one side, watching them. The box that had been in her hands was all but abandoned at her feet and her hands were in front of her lips in prayer. Tears streamed down her cheeks as well.
The bedroom door suddenly burst open and Maverick came charging in, followed by Coach. The others were noticeably absent, which meant they were probably somewhere between the apartment and the cars. Mrs D stepped between the two groups with her arms outstretched, causing her son and her husband to screech to a halt. Their eyes shifted from Mrs D to where Robbie supported Charlie’s weight (since her knees had given out and she cried into his chest) and back again.
“Leave them,” Mrs D whispered, her words rough with built-up emotion as she waved them back towards the door.
Coach slid his arms around Mrs D and pulled her close, while Maverick pinched his lips to keep it together, his head bobbing affirmatively.
Something changed in that moment. Robbie wasn’t quite sure what, but the dynamics moved. No one was trying to pull Charlie away from him and take his place. Whatever they had seen just then, had Robbie going from the friend of Lucas who was batting way out of his league, to the man responsible for their daughtesister.
As they left the room and closed the door, Robbie slid his hand under Charlie's knees and lifted her into his arms, backing up to sit on the edge of the bed. He then started to rock her as she continued to cry.
“T-T-There w-was-s-s-so m-much…blood,” she sobbed.
“I know, sweet pea. I wish to God you’d never seen that. But we’ll get through it. One day at a time. It’s okay. This sort of thing is going to happen now and again and you're better off just letting it wash over you.”
“W-W-What?”
“Reminders of last night. Small things. In time, it’ll be easier to deal with, but they’ll still come. When it does, you should let the tears come, Charlie. You’ll never move forward if you don’t let yourself grieve.”
They sat like that for a while, until the sobs ebbed away into deep sniffles. “So much for me being the testosterone queen,” she huffed, wiping her eyes.
“Sweetheart, your brothers and your dad have already cried their hearts out over what happened to you last night.”
“Really?”
Robbie lifted his chin and kissed her hair, but only so she wouldn’t see how much her harmless question annoyed him. Charlie was so fixated on out-manning the men of her family, it bordered on obsessive. If it was the last thing he did, he’d be nurturing her feminine side too (as opposed to ramming it down her neck). “Really, sweet pea.” He dragged his chin across her head and sighed. “The doctors gave you some sleeping pills. I think it’ll be a really good idea if, once we get you home and settled, you took one and had an early night.”
Charlie shook her head. “I was asleep long enough.”
“Charlie, nothing’s going to happen to you. I’ll be right there. The spare room’s already been set up for you, and there’s a king-sized bed in there, so yeah, I’ll be right there with you. I’ll be the last thing you see going to sleep, and the first thing you see waking up. I promise.”
He just wasn’t going to tell her exactly how he planned to do that. Not yet, anyway.
At his earliest convenience, he was going to excuse himself and ‘go to the bathroom’. Only, instead of relieving himself, he’d be realm-stepping over to Walmart and relieving them of a video linked baby monitor in the guise of a teddy bear, or some other type of plush toy.
Well, buying it, but still...
Hopefully, not too many people would be at the superstore, so with luck, he could be in and out without anyone being any the wiser, hiding the camera under the bathroom sink until he could set it up later.
In the morning, after she’d had a good night sleep and a filling breakfast, he’d show her the toy and why he’d bought it.
Hopefully, she wouldn’t get too mad.
* * *

PART TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY-TWO

Previous Part 260
((All comments welcome))
I made a family tree/diagram of the Mystallian family that can be found here
For more of my work including previous parts or WPs: Angel466 or indexed here
FULL INDEX OF BOB THE HOBO TO DATE CAN BE FOUND HERE!!

[PI] A Demon From Earth (Ch 34)

Author's note: Got a request last time for visuals on the cars. Hard to do since I'm not at home with my computer, but this is the car (with the bent subframe horn) that will be the base for War God and here's Mercury the Rambulance. And here's the rear bumper script from War God, although it will actually be staying with the other car during its rebuild. ;-)
Hope you enjoy Fess being diplomatic!
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"Poison, we've got war crimes incoming," I said into the CB. "I'm going to go yell at the queen. Get ready to scoot if needed. Over."
"Copy. You want us to start shooting if things turn ugly? Over."
"I'm pretty sure that telling her that she's on her own if she does this will work, but maybe dial one of the grenades for airburst and put it 300 yards over their heads if I have to shoot anything… more than once. I may need to focus their attention. Over."
"Roger."
I was starting to get the hang of letting my words flow through my mind to Gennie at the same time as I spoke them. It sure made for less repetition.
<* YOU ARE GOING TO FIGHT THE ELVES NOW? ARE YOU CONSUMED BY BATTLE MADNESS? *>
<* It's not bloodlust. And I'll only fight them if I absolutely have to. Honor means defending the defenseless, even if I was just kicking their asses. Possibly especially if I was just kicking their asses. Plus, killing troops that surrender is just shitty strategy. It discourages others from surrendering. *>
<* I SEE YOUR POINT. VERY WELL. IF YOU ARE FORCED TO DEPART, I WILL COME WITH YOU. *>
Well, at least the dinosaur wasn't an asshole.
I drove right up to Sisme, pulling up about ten feet away. I shifted into neutral and got out, giving off a definite vibe of unhappiness.
"Sisme! Order those troops to stand down, now! We're not executing prisoners!"
Oz gabbled at her, and she replied.
"What do you mean?! They came to destroy us, I'm not just going to let them go!"
"We're not letting them go, but no one else will surrender if you kill the ones that do, and it's against my code, to boot. And we can't get information about their overall strategy if they're dead!"
She looked unconvinced. Worse, she hadn't ordered the marching elves to halt and they were getting close to the trolls. I was glad Anneke wasn't here. This was probably going to cause some friction.
I walked up to the queen, towered over her, leaned way down until I was firmly inside her personal space, and growled out, "If you do this, you're on your own from now on. It's also really going to piss me off. Try asking the old king how well that works out." I left the unspoken threat hang in the air like a particularly rancid beer fart.
Credit where credit is due, she remained remarkably composed with an angry demon snarling in her face.
After Oz relayed that, she said something, which caused Khaavren to shout something at the pikemen. It looked like it wasn't an order to come attack me, because they just raised their pikes and fell into a square. Excellent. Crisis maybe averted. I stopped looming and backed off a hair.
After I'd told Ivy to stand down, we marched some of the trolls that were in better shape back out to pick up the less severely wounded and offer mercy to the unsalvageable, as well as to pick up some of the less offensive portions of their baggage train. No point in denying them all comforts in their defeat. Plus, if they were eating their food, they weren't eating ours.
A couple of hours later, the remnants of the troll army had been corralled in a temporary holding area outside the city, and guards posted. Between what Friday had mentioned, and things the troops had picked up from shepherding the prisoners around, most of the elves were giving us a wide berth. Friday wouldn't even look at me. Oz was acting pretty skittish. Sisme, oddly enough, had stuck by my side since I'd rolled back through the gates and parked in front of the palace.
As was my usual tendency, I had brought presents for people. Friday and Oz each got a case of ballpoint pens, a case of black sharpies, and a set of the colored ones as well. I gave Anneke some "normal" clothes to change into if she wanted. I mean, it was all just stuff from Walmart and Target but I'd asked my sister what her seventeen year old liked to wear and it looked like a big hit. Though I'd asked her for the sizes for the thirteen year old. Heh. I decided not to tell Anneke that part.
Since I knew they were the same size, I gave Sisme pretty much the same stuff I'd given Anneke, only in the most garish colors I could find to suit her elven sensibilities. The queen seemed amused by the foreign clothing, although I think that the leggings kinda confused her. I guess she probably didn't have a lot of experience with cloth that was stretchy. I also gave her a knife I'd ground years earlier out of stainless damascus stock, and she declared it one of the prettiest things she'd ever seen.
Then, with Oz handling translation duties, I presented Andy with a rifle. I pulled an AR-15 a friend had given me a few years ago out of a case.
"Ok, mate, safe weapons handling follows four rules, handed down by the gods through their prophet Colonel Cooper."
"One, the weapon is always loaded. You can watch me check the chamber before I hand it to you. You can check it yourself after I hand it to you. Unless you have personally verified that it has been rendered mechanically incapable of firing, you will always act as though it is loaded and ready to fire."
"Two, as a corollary, never point the weapon at anything you are not willing to destroy. Because it's always loaded."
"Three, keep your godsdamned finger off the trigger until you are ready to fire. I'll give you a lot more instruction on proper gun handling, but for now, just remember not to touch the trigger until you have your target in the sights."
I held up the rifle, keeping the muzzle down, and gestured with my trigger finger, showing how it was out straight and alongside the trigger guard.
"Four, you are responsible for every bullet that leaves the weapon. There is no oops. There is no I'm sorry. You point it, you pull the trigger, you own it. It's not coming back. Always know what your ultimate backstop is. If you shoot at something, know what you will hit if you miss. Know what you will hit if you shoot your target accurately and the bullet goes through it."
With that, I checked again to make sure the chamber was empty, showed him how to check the chamber, and handed it over. Yes, it had been a gift from a close friend, but like Galadriel said, a gift you can't give away isn't a gift, it's a trap. And immediately gave him a swat on the hand for putting his finger on the trigger. And then pulled the muzzle up when he pointed it in an unsafe direction. Then I showed him how to sling it across his back and told him to leave it there until we could go over using it in more detail in the morning.
A couple of unlucky stableboys were assigned to wash troll guts off of Mercury, and I spent a while making sure that War God had made it through ok, refilling the tanks out of one of the drums of petrol I'd brought on the trailer. The pleasing scent of Hoppe's #9 wafted through the air as Corwin and Ivy cleaned the guns while I handled the mechanic's duty.
"Wait, how much fuel did I use?" Ivy asked.
"She's a thirsty girl. I'd say that you were probably making about seven miles per gallon."
"Fess! That's terrible!"
"Hey, at least it doesn't run on coal like your Tesla!"
She glared at me. She was lots better at it than Anneke was. Corwin snickered at us.
"I swear you guys snipe at each other just as much as you did when you were still dating."
"At least she hasn't decided to snipe me for real."
"Yet," she chimed in. "Keep it up, tall, broad, and fuzzy."
"You know you'd be sad if I was all meek, oh mighty queen."
"Your friend is royalty?" Oz asked.
"Only in her own mind," Corwin replied.
She backhanded his shoulder and stuck her nose in the air with a "hmph!" sound. "Just because no one is bright enough to recognize my naturally regal nature doesn't mean they won't all some day come to their senses."
"Yes, your majesty," Corey and I said in synch.
"How long did you two practice that?"
"Whaddya mean 'practice'? We're just suuuuuper submissive to your rule, darlin'," I managed to say with a straight face for a whole three seconds, before Corwin caught my eye and we both broke up laughing.
She blew a raspberry and shook a fist at the two of us. "One of these days, Alice…"
"Well, it's going to have to wait until we get home, since there's no moon to bang-zoom us to, at the moment," Corey snarked in return.
"Anyway, let's go grab something to eat," I suggested.
"The queen has told me that there will be a feast in your honor tonight, Fess, Ivy, Corwin. You have saved us from certain destruction. Though I fear my apprentice may never recover."
"I tried to get her to not come along…"
"I think she got the wrong impression about her military suitability from your successful venture into the troll kingdom."
"Yeah. I suspect that even having seen what happened to the king, and the aftermath of the last battle, what we managed today was literally unimaginable for her, before she saw it."
Well, it was a heck of a shindig, that's for sure. The three of us were sitting with Anneke, Sisme, Oz, Friday, Khaavren, and a half dozen other elves I was led to understand were important folks. They had fancy hats, anyway. After the meal was over, things devolved into a general party atmosphere. I guess not being obliterated was just the sort of thing to get people to let loose.
We milled around for a while, breaking away to go check things out, meeting back up, and the like, though it was odd being at a party where I couldn't actually talk to most of the guests. In a good way, since I wasn't all that great at talking to folks at parties anyway. And yet, more than half the time I looked, Friday and Sisme were somewhere nearby. Not having forgotten being drugged, I decided to make sure to pour my own drinks.
"Oh Fess! I heard Ivy singsong behind me. "I just had the most interesting conversation with your young German friend…"
Crap.
"Oh?" I replied, aiming for nonchalance.
"Apparently she overheard Corey mentioning that we used to date."
"And?"
"And so she asked me for some pointers."
"Please tell me that you told her what an ogre I am, that no sane woman would ever want to be involved with me, and that she should go back to Earth and find some nice boy or girl her own age."
"Nope! I gave her lots of suggestions about things that you find attractive."
"Damnit, Ivy, she's sixteen. What did that poor girl ever do to you?"
"I just like to help people out. You know how helpful I can be."
"Seems excessively cruel to lead her on. You know I'm not going to go there at her age!"
She started laughing, which made me wonder if something had happened to her brain during the shift, because frankly, Ivy is a lot more considerate of other people than I am.
"Oh, holy fuck, you should see the look on your face, Fess. I'm just fucking with you. Of course I told her it was a terrible idea. Talk about awkward conversations though. I never expected to get asked by a child how to seduce my ex."
Friday was apparently running a translation for Sisme, and they were both having a hard time restraining their mirth. Corey had sauntered over at some point and he wasn't even bothering to try.
"Well I hope you were at least kind about it."
"Oh, Fess, of course I was. I remember what it was like pining for some older guy when I got into college at fifteen, and him quite rightly running away. Repeatedly. Actually, I told her about that, with the suggestion that she not duplicate my error. Of course, she is sixteen, so who knows if she'll actually listen to news she doesn't want to hear."
"This is because of the crack about your Tesla, isn't it?"
"Hell hath no fury like a woman whose car has been scorned."
I raised my left eyebrow at her, and gave her a stone faced look. Then I smiled, "Ok, you got me. Well done. Sorry about that. Thanks for putting up with it for me."
"Oh, don't worry. I'll figure out some way for you to pay me back."
"Oh, rest assured that there will be payback…"
She just laughed and wandered off to grab another cup of tea. Corwin headed my way, stating, "Man, you looked like you had swallowed a skunk whole."
"Dude… okay, it was funny, in retrospect."
Sisme and Friday took off in another direction, trailing high pitched liquid laughter behind them.
"Man, I even invited her on this totally super amazingly awesome vacation, and this is the thanks I get."
Corwin just laughed again and went after Ivy.
Eventually, I decided that I'd had enough fun for one day and was going to bed. I made my way around the party and said my good nights. Friday stiffened at my approach, but since she was one of the few people that I could actually talk to, I didn't see much choice. Plus, even I'm not dumb enough about protocol to leave without saying something to the queen.
"Your majesty, Friday," I said with a nod of my head to each of them. "I wanted to apologize to the both of you for my behavior earlier today. Friday, I should have been far more insistent that you not come along, even if you were correct in the end about the possibility of my need for a translator. I also shouldn't have yelled at you when you were clearly in shock. I hope that you will forgive me someday."
"I… it's very kind of you to say that. I should have listened to your advice not to come, and if you were harsh with your words, they were nevertheless correct. We summoned you to commit violence on our behalf. It's wrong to then blame you for doing it effectively. I am worried about what I will see in my dreams, though."
"Well, it's a valid concern. I have an unfortunate amount of experience with bad dreams myself. If you feel like it would be helpful, feel free to come talk to me about it. I suspect that either Corwin or Ivy would be happy to talk as well."
"That's a very generous offer. I'll keep it in mind."
I turned to Sisme, and bowed far deeper than before, then returned. "Your majesty, my words earlier were unacceptable. I should not have mentioned your brother in such a way. I have no intention of ever doing you harm. But if I am to prosecute this war for you, you must accept that there are things we will have to do my way, including, unfortunately, not executing those who surrender."
After Friday had translated and Sisme had responded, she relayed the queen's words to me. "I forgive your indiscretions. As Friday said, you were summoned for your capabilities, and warriors have long been known to speak rashly when their blood is up. Let it be forgotten between us. In turn, I pledge to heed your advice more readily. Your people seem to know far more than mine on the subject, after all."
"Thank you, your majesty. Goodnight, Friday. Goodnight, Sisme."
Bowing to the queen once again, I turned and left for my room. I heard the two of them start talking as I walked away, and felt the queen's eyes on me until I had made it to the hallway. I hoped that wasn't a sign of trouble brewing.
Contribute to the war effort!
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I need help finding pink, girly bedroom furniture for an adult woman. Specifically, a bed frame and dresser. Sorry for the long post.

4. Lost Pet

Life is…something else.
Last spring, Jacob Bennet almost got killed by a classmate.
Last month, he was in a skirt running away from a giant bat, then frozen by an ethereal man who claimed to be a wizard or something.
And last night…
Last night, his uncle and best friend’s mom got drunk off wine, cried for hours and admitted to him that they was moving back to his home state.
That Cole had followed him from.
Across the nation.
In a month’s time.
Cole and Esperanza cried for another hour, his uncle Tristan drank more, and Jacob had to help tuck them all in when all three passed out.
He called Mac after, since he was the only one who did not have the pleasure of witnessing the awful mess. It was three in the morning.
Mac never picked up.
“Back to Texas?!” Mac yelled, as Jacob tied was tying his hair back in a ponytail for gym.
“Stop wiggling.” Jacob sighed, combing his fingers through the rough locks. “And yes. My grandad passed away suddenly and left a house and a bit of money for my uncle. It also happens that the main library in that same city is hiring, so it looks like Tristan is getting the job.”
“Aw, Jakey.” He said softly. “Good for Tristian but…”
“It’s fine. I never really knew grandad. I hear he liked me enough so...” Jacob lied as Cole sniffed from behind them, pretending to play a game on his switch.
“Well…That’s not too bad…considering I’m going with my Moms for the summer.” He said and turned with a small smile.
“Wait, what?!” Cole yelled. “Don’t they live in the same-”
“Three houses down from Jakey’s new address.” Mac said, covering his smile.
“You absolute jerk!” Jacob yelled, beating his fist on Mac’s back and shoulders lightly, not even causing Mac to flinch. “When were you going to tell me? How is this even happening?!”
Mac grabbed Jacob’s hands and planted them on the blond’s lap.
“My Moms are super pissed with my Dad. First the drinking, then the partying. He never even told them I was in the hospital because it “slipped his mind.” Or something.” Mac grumbled. “Which, yeah, that guy can get lost in a Walmart after thinking too hard, but still. I was scared about telling you guys.”
“So…” Cole piped up. “You’re both leaving?”
Jacob felt my stomach drop. Again.
“Cole.” Jacob said. “Maybe I can…We could...”
“No. No, I just…” He sighed and stood. “I need to…”
Mac got up and hugged him. “Come with us. We can bunk together or something.”
Jacob smiled as he understood what Mac was suggesting. They only had two weeks of school left after all.
Jacob jumped up and joined the hug. “Yeah! Summer in Texas!”
Both Jacob and Cole deflated at the outburst, coming to the same realization. “Oh no…Summer in Texas…”
The next day, Jacob walked home with a bag of lemon lime sherbet and Gatorade for Tristan a little before lunch. He was planning on staying with Mac for the rest of the weekend, but Tristan insisted that Saturday treats were always together during his lunch break at the call center he had been working at for the last few years.
It always seemed like the three were at each other’s houses. Esperanza working nights, Tristan pulling double shifts and Mac’s father…well, not there, he wondered if they could all just move in together after high school.
But for now. Saturday lunch and sherbet with his uncle had become a tradition since before they had moved.
He shouldered his backpack, trying to be careful with the canister of pepper spray he had gotten from Esperanza. She had given all three of the boys them as “a way to buy a few seconds”.
With puppy dog eyes and a few key words, she gave them basic self-defense lessons, along with two weekends worth of training to escape “bad situations”. Even which side to exit a car if being pursued. Jacob kind of wish she had been his mom.
He knew they would use her training at some point. And her love and dedication would most likely save their lives in the long run.
Jacob saw a hunched figure as he walked up the block near the carefully maintained houses that lined the left side of the street. He smiled and quickened his step.
It was Ms. Hilda.
She had taken care of him when he was ten, when Tristian was still a struggling single parent to his nephew. She had embraced Jacob; teaching him to cook and bake when her arthritis would act up and make her unable to use her hands. Four the first three years they lived there, and while Tristan struggled to get a job, she had supported them wholeheartedly, giving Jacob another person to look up to and trust after the trauma they had escaped in Texas.
Since he had met her, she always wore a bright blue jean vest and had a scarf on. Her wispy white hair had always been tied back in a braid, be it one, two, a bun or pin up tail.
But Jacob eventually stopped going over because many believed she was getting forgetful in her old age. Saying she could not find a cat everyone was sure had passed on and often forgetting her husband had been dead for over twenty years. Yet she still wore that bright blue vest and a scarf when he and Tristan visited her ever so often.
Today’s scarf was red pashmina with black cat paws decorating it.
“Oh! Jacob!” She called when she saw him. “I can’t find Petra!”
“I’m sorry, Ms. Hilda, I haven’t seen her.” He said, taking her soft wrinkled hands in his, warming them as best he could.
“Oh, dear me…” She said, shaking her head. “I’m worried she’ll get caught in this rain.”
Jacob looked up, seeing the sky was clear and sun shining bright for a Washington day. The wind was stronger, so he couldn’t completely dismiss her statement.
He felt something soft wrap around his shoulders.
She tied her scarf in a bow under his chin and smiled.
“There you are, Dear.” She said and patted it. She took his hand. “I’m going to miss you.”
“Oh. Uncle Tristan told you?” He asked.
“Oh, no, Dear.” She said, her voice ever so soft as she leaned close, as if telling a secret. “You have to go back. All of you.”
“Ms. Hilda?” He asked as she shook her head sadly and walked back to her house.
“Oh yes. It’s time, it’s time.” She hummed softly. “I hope Petra is okay.”
He watched her as she went back inside, her screen door creaking shut behind her.
“So how did she know?” Cole asked excitedly as he hugged a giant fox plush on Mac’s bed.
“Cole, if she wanted to, she could have eaten me years ago.” Jacob huffed and handed him a plate of chicken alfredo. “Not everyone is a dangerous being. She just an old lady who’s…sick.”
Mac put up his poker table, so they could eat in his room while watching their favorite show. He took the fox from Cole and stuffed a buttered roll in his mouth. Cole grabbed the bread from his mouth, chewing the bite before swallowing.
“But what about the Fae?” He asked.
“Cole…” Mac groaned. “Just for tonight, can we forget about the spooky crap and…be dumb teens eating way too much food, drinking too much soda and geeking out over the BAU?”
“Fine…” Cole sighed. “So, Derek or Spencer?”
“Derek.” Jacob said
“Definitely Dr. Reid.” Mac said, smiling at Cole. “And you?
“Garcia, duh!” Cole said and laughed as she came on screen.
They ate dinner, shared the last of the sherbet and decided to turn in early, locking up and getting blankets.
The best thing about Mac’s room was that it was huge, with a big screen tv, sofa, plush armchair, king sized bed, minifridge, desk with a laptop Jacob was sure was released last year and every game station known to man. He straight up admitted the lavish room was to make up for his father’s absence.
Cole had showered and changed into cotton Ravenclaw pajamas he only wore when he slept over, while Mac was finding the blue and yellow flannel comforter he had gotten strictly for their younger friend. Okay, younger than Jacob by like, nine months and by Mac about a year and a half, but they agreed he was cute and messy and like the brother they always wanted to have.
Mac himself was in sweats and a faded Godzilla shirt while Jacob of course, wore an old soft wash sweater with shorts. Since Cole tended to toss and turn, Jacob was often the one that shared the bed with Mac.
Jacob remembered the first time he had met Mac.
Out and happy. Mac had drunkenly asked if he was the blond’s type the first party Jacob attended. When Jacob said no, he laughed, threw an arm around the new boy’s shoulders, and said he would look out for him.
True to his word, he took care of Jacob at school before he started skipping class because of hang overs. He listened to Jacob when he was homesick. He taste tested his samosas and the obleas he learned to make for Cole. He even threatened to beat up his…well, he was very angry on Jacob’s behalf and he found it sweet.
And now the booze is gone, Cole was there, and Jacob had to admit, he had never felt closer or more a part of something. And Mac seemed to have the same feelings from how much he smiled, how his blue eyes shined.
Jacob wished Lake Derek had ended with the three of them at a late-night donut shop or something else so terribly mundane, they could all live blissfully.
But he knew they wouldn’t be so close if not for the blood and terror. The path filled with so many coincidences he refused to think about.
“Buenos noches.” Jacob said as he snuggled into his pillows, and heard Cole repeat it as the lamp went out and Mac slid in the bed beside him.
A snarl cut through his sweet dream of mini lemon meringue pies and caramel lassi.
A hand slapped over Jacob’s mouth and Mac looked down at him from above, a finger to his lips as they both sat up, Cole already in his sneakers. Mac stood up straight and took a bat from his bedside as Jacob noticed a large hulking shadow pass by the window.
Seriously?!
Jacob gulped and slid down the bed to put on his boots and grab his backpack.
Cole put his book bag around his shoulder and neck, going towards the window as Jacob crept to the door, opening it quietly. They heard breaking twigs and Cole froze, Mac grabbing his hand and walking him quietly toward the bedroom door where Jacob waited for his friends.
A snarl sounded out right next to the window and they all held their breath as the shadow stopped and blocked out the moon light, as if trying to see through the sheer grey curtains.
A shrill beeping sounded from Mac’s phone on the nightstand, a text from his Dad asking, “Are you at home?”
There was a loud snarl that reminded Jacob of the t-rex from one of Cole’s favorite movies and the sound of crashing glass as a massive black catlike head burst through the window, the creature struggling to get its massive shoulders in. Jacob grabbed a flashlight from Mac’s desk as the taller pushed Cole out, then grabbed Jacob’s arm and yanked him into the hall before slamming his door.
Cole was already opening the front door and running to Mac’s car. Mac grabbed his keys from the wall and unlocked it, Cole scrabbling in the back as Jacob ran around and got in, Mac slamming into the car before opening the door and jamming in the key.
They looked to the open front door in time to see the creature break through and reduce Mac’s bedroom door to splinters and shake its head, it’s bright yellow eyes looking towards the car.
Mac peeled out of the driveway and onto the road.
“Cole! What the hell is that thing?” Mac asked as Jacob fumbled to put on my seatbelt.
“I don’t know!” He yelled. “It looked like the mix of a wolf and panther!”
“Well, looks like Puppycat wants to play, because he’s right behind us!” Jacob yelled.
Cole turned to where Jacob was pointing and saw the Volkswagen beetle sized thing keeping up with the car.
“What does it want?!” Mac asked and sped up.
“Don’t go into town!” Jacob yelled. “It could kill someone!”
“Uh, it can kill us!” Mac yelled back.
“Mom, Dad, please stop fighting and go to my house. Where we know guns are!” Cole yelled.
“Got it!” Jacob reached across Mac and yanked his seatbelt on, buckling it for the redhead and looking up at him. “Focus.”
“Okay. Buckle up.” Mac said and sped up.
Jacob looked behind to see Cole click his seatbelt in, then turn as much as he could to look at the creature. He yelled out descriptions as if trying to catalog in midair.
“Uh…Feline mostly. Very muscular, dark colored shaggy fur!” He shouted. “Prominent front fangs! Hunched back…and…and…horns.”
Mac drifted a curve and they all yelped as the creature just missed the car, then stood in the road to let out a loud scream that was a mixture of an elk’s bugle and a coyote’s howl.
“Howler.” Cole said softly as it started chasing us again.
“What?” Mac asked.
“It’s a Howler!” Cole yelled. “An Ozark Howler!”
“Ozark?” Jacob asked as Mac sped down a dirt road towards Cole’s cabin.
“Yeah! Uh, mountains near Texas and Arkansas!” Cole said. “But why would one be all the way up here?”
“It’s just an animal, right?” Mac asked. “Not a human?”
“Yeah! It’s just like a puma!” Cole said. “But they have been linked to Black Dogs.”
“I’m assuming that’s not just a dog?” Jacob asked as he looked in the review mirror.
“They’re spectral or ghostly creatures, some are kind and are like guardians and others are very violent.” Cole said. “If I had my books…”
“Well, I think we can cross kindness off the list!” Mac yelled and swerved onto an abandoned road.
“Why would it pursue us?” Jacob asked.
“Uh, there’s a saying for spectral creatures!” Cole said. “Once is for joy. Twice is for sorrow. And the third is for death.”
“This isn’t very joyful.” Jacob muttered as they came upon the turn to Cole’s street.
“Wait! There’s something else.” Cole said. “They’re also said to be familiars! T-To witches and warlocks!”
Mac gasped and glanced at Jacob.
“The fa-“
The creature suddenly slammed into Mac’s side of the car, clinging onto the roof with claws as long as a soda can. It roared again and Cole and Jacob clapped their hands over their ears.
“Crap!” Mac yelled and sped towards the cabin, making a sharp right to fling the thing into the bushes near Cole’s cabin. Cole wheezed and got out, running to unlock his door as Jacob helped Mac climb out on his side.
It had started to rain heavily, and the taller boy slipped once as they ran up to the cabin. Cole was trying to shove his key in the lock and Mac and Jacob blocked him.
“Hurry!” Mac yelled, holding up his bat as Jacob dug through his bag for his pepper spray.
Jacob dug through clothes and grabbed a handful to throw them out, hearing Mac shout as he was slammed to the ground, a very big creature snarling softly as he held a fistful of clothes between them like the world’s most feeble shield against the knife like teeth and gold eyes.
The Howler looked down at the blond, sniffing at his hands and letting out a soft purring sound. Jacob looked at the clothes, and saw it was sniffing at the scarf Hilda had given him that afternoon. It let out a low sad sound.
Jacob noticed something around its neck; a soft lose leather collar with a tag on it, like a cat.
“No…” He whispered as Mac raise his bat from behind the creature.
He gave Jacob a look as he held up a hand. Jacob couldn’t blame him. He looked into the creature’s eyes.
“P-Petra?”
The creature backed up and sat on its haunches, cocking its head like a giant kitten. Jacob laughed a little manically and sat up, Cole and Mac pulling him to his feet and clinging close.
“It’s…She’s uh…my old babysitter’s cat.” He explained to his friends.
He held up the scarf and Petra sniffed it, her long whip like tail waving back and forth as she purred.
“I…I think she just wants to get home.” He said. “She just wants to get back to miss Hilda.”
“Okay…So um…” Cole started.
Mac got into the car and backed up slowly. He opened the back hatch.
“Get on and hold out the scarf. Jacob, where am I going?” He asked as he got back in the driver’s seat.
“Hilda lives by the old tree farm, third house from Locklear road.” He said.
“Okay. I’m gonna drive slowly so we don’t upset, uh, Petra.” He said as he and Cole sat in the cargo area, the door held in place as Mac drove slowly.
Jacob looked to Cole to see him drawing in a journal he pulled out of his bag. Petra followed us easily as Jacob held the scarf on his lap. She seemed more curious, but her ears were still laid back as if ready to switch back into attack mode.
“This is kinda cool.” Cole said.
“Yeah, try explaining to Mr. Macrae about his house.” Jacob said.
“He wouldn’t believe us if we could tell him.”
“Yeah. How useful we are.” Jacob said.
“Well, we might be of a different breed.”
“Cole, we’re not...” Jacob said. “This isn’t some fun cryptid game. These things are real threats!”
Petra chuffed and the blond took a breath. “Sorry, girl.”
“I know, I know.” Cole said, closing the journal. “I’m sorry…I got…have, tunnel vision.”
“We’re your friends. We look out for each other, tunnel vison or not.” Jacob stressed and he nodded. “Now what are you thinking?”
Cole perked up and opened the page.
“I went over what the Sentry said.” He looked at me with serious eyes. “What if when he meant by chrysalis stage, he meant we’re evolving? Mac survived something that could have killed him from infection and is sprinting like he never got hurt. Jacob, my head has never been clearer, I am actually retaining and adsorbing information unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. And everything always works out for you. You didn’t even get touched by the Shifter and Petra trusts you enough not to kill us.”
Petra made a low noise, lifting her head up as Cole smiled.
“What if blind luck isn’t just blind luck?”
“Cole, it has to be. It can’t be…”
Cole blinked and grinned. “Jake, you’re smart. You know coincidences don’t line up like this.”
“Hey guys,” Mac called. “uh, we got a lady looking for her kitty cat.”
He stopped and they saw someone hobbling up the road with a bright yellow umbrella. Petra lowed softly to the person and loped off to them.
Hilda cried out happily as the massive creature curled around her and nuzzled her wet white hair. Mac got out and stood next to Jacob.
Hilda saw them and walked over.
“I hope she wasn’t too much trouble.”
“Not at all.” Mac answered with a wave.
Hilda smiled and looked towards the forest. She sighed.
“You know…I found Petra in these woods when I was a girl. She would always come visit me when my parents were out and I was left alone. She visit me when I came back from college and stayed after my husband died. I didn’t know, but she was an arrow and pillar.” She said.
Jacob sighed. Her dementia.
“He was here, wasn’t he?” She asked.
“Who?” Cole asked.
“Is his hair still that pretty pink?”
“The Fae?!” Mac asked.
“Yes. The Fae. The Sentry. The Knight. The Boy-Queen.” She said. “He has many names. He’s so old that he gains many from us. But he only has one true name. Grayson.”
“Grayson?” Mac asked. “That doesn’t sound ancient and mystical.”
“If you see the portrait of his Mothers, you would think his name is pretty on the nose. He has a brother and sister if I remember. Their pictures are all over his home.”
“You’ve been in his home?” Jacob asked.
“Yes, the shop is quite lovely.” She said. “He runs it with the blond boy, Tomas. They live there and use the doorways. You would be surprised how many doors there are and where they leads. Has he asked you to find him yet?”
“Did you find him, Ms. Hilda?” Jacob asked. She looked at us, smiling.
“I did. And I learned many beautiful and wonderful things. Unfortunately, I wasn’t one of the ones he needed or had much use for. He offered to let me stay with him, even offered to take care of me at this age. But I love my husband. I can’t leave him.” She said. “Grayson is kind enough to come and heal my hands and mind every so often. He was so excited last month.”
“He saw you last month?!” Jacob asked.
“Yes. He was in such good spirits. Jonas, my husband, asked why. And do you know what he said?” She asked. “He said “I have the best luck, my friends. I have found children of the rings. And I cannot wait to see them again.”
Jacob shivered, but not in fear. More so like a cool hand had passed over he back of his neck.
“Don’t be afraid, children.” She said and turned around. “Soon you shall go to him, as we all do at some point. I think you are the last he will receive. I think you will be the puzzle pieces he needs.”
“For what?” Jacob asked.
“I had gone to him, so had Derek…And many more spread around the nation.”
“Derek Gutierrez?” Cole asked.
“Yes. You see children, we are all part of something. There are two worlds on the same plane. And the veil is ripping faster than it can be repaired. Sentries are to guard them from their side, but some must come to ours. They have to live among us and protect us from what many cannot even comprehend.”
“Are they also Fae?” Cole asked.
“No. Grayson is among the last of his kind. The only one on this side as far as I know. He is a fallen prince who has lived many lives among humans. He protects us if he can, but he is from a world of maneaters and hunters. He allows passage for his people when he must, helps take those his world claims, feeds hunters and scholars alike. But he cannot go far. Sentries are cursed, you see.” She frowned. “I do feel for him. The ability to travel and bend space, only to be chained to the doors.”
“Ms. Hilda…Are you trying to tell us where to find his…nest?” Jacob asked.
“I don’t need to children. You’re on your way there already.” She said with a smile.
“How do you know all this?” Mac asked.
“He helped me hatch from my chrysalis. My dreams tell me what shall and will be done. When you hatch, you will be unlike what you are now. Not cruel monsters, Jacob. But warriors and protectors for the people on this side. He will train you and it will be hard. But he will never hurt you. Grayson has always been the best of teachers. I hope you all become good friends with him.” She said and led Petra back to her house, the three left in the street.
Mr. Macrae called Esperanza in a panic, saying a bear broke into his house.
Esperanza rushed home to find the boys all passed out on Cole’s full bed, still wearing jackets, shoes and Mac hugging his bat.
She woke them up and checked them.
Besides a scratch on Jacob’s shoulder, the boys were safe, if not muddy from the rain.
“Nikolito…” She finally said after they told her about what had happened, leaving out what Hilda had said. “I think it would be best if you went down to Texas for longer than the summer. And maybe, I should call Slim and see about openings.”
“Mom?”
“Cole…I think you three need to be together. And to be honest…I also think this place isn’t loco enough.” She said with a smile.
All three chuckled nervously.
A week later, they were loading boxes into a moving van. Seven of the boxes had Cole’s stuff. He would be living with Jacob until his mom could transfer down and get an apartment for them.
While he was being smothered by loud kisses from his mom on both his cheeks, Mac was talking to his father, who looked uncomfortable to speak more than ten minutes with his son.
Tristan hugged Jacob around the shoulders. “I’ll ride in the van if you promise me Mac won’t do to my car what happened to his. Bear or not.”
Jacob smiled at him as we all prepared to make the road trip downwards.
Jacob sighed as he remembered Petra.
Everything is bigger in Texas, right?

ULTIMATE AUTOMOD RESPONSE

Wowwwww, you meow like a cat! That means you are one, right? Shut the fuck up. If you really want to be put on a leash and treated like a domestic animal then that’s called a fetish, not “quirky” or “cute”. What part of you seriously thinks that any part of acting like a feline establishes a reputation of appreciation? Is it your lack of any defining aspect of personality that urges you to resort to shitty representations of cats to create an illusion of meaning in your worthless life? Wearing “cat ears” in the shape of headbands further notes the complete absence of human attribution to your false sense of personality, such as intelligence or charisma in any form or shape. Where do you think this mindset’s gonna lead you? You think you’re funny, random, quirky even? What makes you think that acting like a fucking cat will make a goddamn hyena laugh? I, personally, feel extremely sympathetic towards you as your only escape from the worthless thing you call your existence is to pretend to be an animal. But it’s not a worthy choice to assert this horrifying fact as a dominant trait, mainly because personality traits require an initial personality to lay their foundation on. You’re not worthy of anybody’s time, so go fuck off, “cat-girl”.
DUHHHHH FORTNITE BAD DUHHHH BRORTNITE BRAD!!1!1 IS THAT ALL YOU DEPRESSED FUCKS CAN SAY? FORTNITE FORTNITE EMOJI INSTA BAD EMOJI EMOJI BAD BAD!!1!1 I FEEL LIKE IM IN A FUCKING ASYLUM FULL OF DEMENTIA RIDDEN OLD PEOPLE WHO CAN DO NOTHING BUT REPEAT THE SAME FUCKING WORDS ON LOOP LIKE A BROKEN FUCKING RECORD
Do I have any questions? Unless you are a published theoretical physicist and have earned a Master of Science and two PhDs, have an IQ of 187, and went to college at 11, research String Theory at Caltech, switched disciplines from bosonic string theory to heterotic string theory and reconciled the black hole information paradox using a string network condensate approach, worked on the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations and considered a method for optimizing a 500 GeV particle detector to this end, jointly wrote a paper on supersolids to be presented at an Institute of Experimental Physics topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates, keep a whiteboard in the living room for scientific theories containing virtual particles in quantum mechanics or series of Riemann zeta functions, then no I will not ask you any questions
Are you autistic? You most likely are if you’re an atheist, seeing how atheism is the ideological byproduct of a neurogenetic and spiritual malfunction comorbidly concomitant with low functioning autism as the result of a bioexcess in deleterious mutational load. This is why, hence the PATHETIC little shitstain you have the AUDACITY to refer to as a comment, your theological subspecies are incapable of both the abstract thought, abductive reasoning, and understanding of biblical allegory and metaphor required for a belief in God - in conjunction with your offensively blatant lack of the slightest iota of ability to process God’s gifts of irony and satire even in their most base, rudimentary manifestations. You’re genetically FUCKED, you vile reprobate scum - to put it euphemistically, kid. Not even Jesus will save you now.
I'm sick of seeing people in line at Walmart pull out their EBT cards (with their hair all done, wearing diamond jewelry) to pay for their 6 grocery carts full of steak and lobster, and then hop into their Lamborghinis with the suicide doors I SEE THIS ALL THE TIME and then go home to their gated section 8 community where they drive straight into their inground pool full of gold coins YES THIS HAPPENS I work 180 hours a week and I can't even afford a McDonald's hamburger meanwhile these leeches on MY TAX MONEY are lowering the value of my house by floating around with their 9 children in a HOT AIR BALLOON
Start using mod approved words! Instead of virgin, say Redditeur!
Joemama is Joe Swanson's African ancestor, who appeared in "Untitled Griffin Family History". He, like his descendant, is paraplegic, paralyzed from the waist down. In lieu of a wheelchair, he used a wild boar as his method of mobility. His best friends were Nate Griffin and Quagdingo. The three were captured by Cleveland from South Carolina, and brought to the American British colonies, along with Tobi, Ali Williams, and the African ancestors of Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons. It is unknown what became of Joemama following the arrival in the new world. The status of the wild boar is unknown as well.
ok so I am ultimately PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW because my STUPID INSENSITIVE BIGOT OF A SCIENCE TEACHER WONT COVER THE SKELETON IN OUR CLASSROOM!!!! ive told him THOUSANDS of TIMES that i have severe anxiety from sans and ive actually developed ptsd from the sans fight and i have to carry an inhaler everywhere i go now because when i see bones or the color blue i start hyperventilating because of panic then if I don’t take my inhaler it turns into a ptsd episode and i already had to be sent home 3 TIMES BECAUSE THE SKELETON IN MY SCIENCE CLASS TRIGGERED ME!!!! AND HE WONT COVER IT!!!!!!! like????? i dont know what to do ive tried talking about it to the councilor but they said my condition isnt real???? like um YEAH IT IS??? i would know??????????? cause I wake up screaming and in tears each night because i have a recurring nightmare where SANS TELLS ME IM GOING TO HAVE A BAD TIME THEN HAS THE FUCKING DECENCY TO TO TELL ME IVE DIED 10 TIMES, AND THAT I HAVE NO FRIENDS!!!! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT FUCKING TRIGGERS ME???????? and it just PISSES ME OFF how the school CARE THST I AM ON THR BRINK OF OFING BECAUSE OF THIS!!!!!!!!!
So I walk up to this bitch (apparently right after she got divorced) and say "what's up Karen you wanna go for a jog this afternoon haha" and she's like "please just leave me alone" and I'm like "whatever bitch" and then like an hour later get called into our HR person's office and they're like "you gotta stop harassing Karen she's going through a lot right now, she's just signed her divorce papers" And I'm like "hah who'd married that skank, someone with a wheelchair fetish?" And my HR person (Hank) was well like "come on man, they've been married for 16 years. They've been having trouble since her accident last year. She thinks he blames her for getting into the accident that killed their kids" and I'm all like lol So I leave and I'm hungry so I go to grab my lunch (turkey and provolone) only to see, lo and behold, that dumb bitch Karen set her bag of lunch RIGHT in front of mine!! so I write out a note saying how glad I am to be working with her but if she puts her lunch in front of mine again I swear to fuck I will finish the job that God couldn't So I go through the rest of my day joking around with Karen every time I see her even though she is I giant cunt about it (my favorite was 'accidently' dropping a pair of scissors on her colostomy bag lol) and I have to ignore the picture of that fucking rat whenever I walk by her desk So I finish my day asking for her ex husband's number since I need a new wingman to look for some babes with and she fucking flips it and when she's yelling at me I'm all like "maybe if you don't want to get divorced you shouldn't have gotten hit by a drink driver you ever think of that bitch" and then she rolled away aggressively So that was my Thursday
Did you know that spiders cannot physically die of natural causes? If kept safe, a spider can continue to live and. grow larger for a theoretically unlimited amount of time. In fact, in China there exists a collection of 'holy' spiders, hatched some 2,800 years ago during the height of the Mang-Tsun dynasty.
I work for a large employer, so we have multiple cafeterias on campus. Every once in a while, I'll go get a large bowl of chili for lunch. Well, these cheapskates limit you to 2 packages of crackers with your bowl of chili, but today they had all sorts of delicious whole wheat crackers (very rare for this place). So I decided to stock up. As I'm stuffing my pockets with packages of crackers, one of the cafeteria worker ladies comes up to me and says, "limit 2 packages per order of chili", and I honestly flashed her the trollface... just to see what she would say and she said, "didn't you hear me? i said 2 packages." I kept the trollface strong and stood there like a statue. She said, "i don't think you are understanding me." and I just continued to trollface. She just turned around and left, and I walked off with my pockets fully lined with delicious wheat treats.. I checked out and took my extra 10 packages of crackers with me. I've never tried trollface in the workplace before, but I thought what better time than to try it on an hourly cafe worker? It worked surprisingly well, and I will now use it more often.
Do not patronise me you little shit. Are you aware that all you were trying to do by typing "retard" was to aggravate me? I consider myself a bit of an expert in human and animal behaviour during this here lifetime and you might not have had any idea that you were trying to aggravate me. See, we are nothing but mere animals, with flesh and bone and instincts. We are not able to decide our reactions and instincts anymore than a Mountain Lion or a Great White Shark. What gives us such a sense of importance in this here world is our superior intellect, but I think all that does is gives us the power to manipulate those animals with lesser intellectuals. I consider myself a little bit wiser than you by far, and just wanted to make sure you were aware that I am the human being and you are the Mountain Lion. Your stupid little comment attempting to aggravate me doesn't provide me with the instinct to swim and bite your neck like a Great White Shark would. Oh no, because I can control my instincts while a Great White Shark can't. I will continue to refuse to be aggravated by your petty, two worded snarky reply. You thought that you would try and assert your dominance over me by trying to patronise me, but on this here day I refuse, oh yes I do. I hope that this gives you the ability to actually treat people like equals (or superiors) because you are absolutely sickening. Grow up.
I went to Dairy Queen a while ago; you know, Dairy Queen? Well anyways there was an insane number of people there, and I couldn't get in. Then, I looked at the banner hanging from the ceiling, and it had "Free ice cream" written on it. Oh, the stupidity. Those idiots. You, don't come to Dairy Queen just because there is free ice cream, fool. It's only free ice cream, FREE ICE CREAM for crying out loud. There're even entire families here. Family of 4, all out for some Dairy Queen, huh? How fucking nice. "Alright, daddy's gonna order the sundae." God I can't bear to watch. You people, I'll give you free ice cream if you get out of those seats. Dairy Queen should be a bloody place. That tense atmosphere, where two guys on opposite sides of the U-shaped table can start a fight at any time, the stab-or-be-stabbed mentality, that's what's great about this place. Women and children should screw off and stay home. Anyways, I was about to start eating, and then the bastard beside me goes "Cone, extra fudge." Who in the world orders extra fudge nowadays, you moron? I want to ask him, "do you REALLY want to eat it with extra fudge?" I want to interrogate him. I want to interrogate him for roughly an hour. Are you sure you don't just want to try saying "extra fudge"? Coming from a Dairy Queen veteran such as myself, the latest trend among us vets is this, blizzard with extra Kit-Kat. That's right, extra Kit-Kat. This is the vet's way of eating. Extra Kit-Kat means more Kit-Kat than ice cream. But on the other hand the price is a tad higher. This is the key. And then, it's delicious. This is unbeatable. However, if you order this then there is danger that you'll be marked by the employees from next time on; it's a double-edged sword. I can't recommend it to amateurs. What this all really means, though, is that you should just stick with the banana split.
You abhorrent scum. You ignorant fool. I will sue you. You are going to be the target of the greatest lawsuit the world has ever seen. You don't know why? It's completely obvious. It's so obvious, the most deplorable peasant could grasp the full magnitude of your wickedness and treachery with the greatest of ease. Your actions cry out for mercy, and I will be happy to deliver it. And if you're thinking this is a mistake, or merely a deception of mine, you're sadly mistaken, my friend. I have indisputable proof of your continued harassment and other offenses. Even without it, the jury would take one look at you and decide. The incomprehensible magnitude of your crimes brings with it unavoidable, infinite guilt, and whether you notice it or not, everyone else does. Are you interested in who will be serving as the offense attorney? I'll tell you. It's my father. Your defense? It doesn't matter, in fact, they might just not give you one even to spare just one individual from the trauma. My father is the greatest lawyer in the US, the world, and human history, including the future, which he knows due to the fact that he sued the future and they travelled back in time to tell him. He's served for hundreds of Supreme Court cases, and he's won every single one. You may have never thought about being court-marshaled, but now, that's a real threat. That is the power of my father, a culmination of flawless, supreme logic and a perfect knowledge of the law. You will lose this case, your money, and your life. Does that scare you, insignificant bug? Because it should. The entire history of the U.S. Judicial System has been leading up to this moment, where all of its fury is concentrated on ruining your life. My father won't even need to help. Your heinous crimes will be evident to all, so just give up, you crook. Give up before you're forced to.
Many people always ask me how I was able to get into Harvard as a 16 year old who skipped 3 grades of high school. They think I got in because of my scholarly records, but no the key is the interview. As I sat in the Harvard Dean's office in front of the board of reviewers for my application, the Dean asks me "Why should you be a good candidate for this school?" They seemed bored but I replied "Well I was born a child prodigy, placed 1st in my state spelling bee for three consecutive years, I can speak eight different languages not counting Latin, play four different instruments, I skipped grades 4 through 6, and graduated my high school as valedictorian at the age of 14. I then worked as an intern at both Telsa, and NASA." Suddenly the room burst into laughter and many of board instantly started scribbling down "No" near the application check marks. The Dean says "Sorry but you are just not the type we are looking for." But then I said "Excuse me but I wasn't finished... I watch Rick and Morty" The Dean looked at me like an idiot and said "So....?" Then I replied with a smile "And I understand all the references and subtle jokes" An audible gasp let out by the board was so loud the secretary had to come in. You could hear a pin drop and then suddenly all at once the entire board clicked their pens on the "Approved Box" and I was instantly handed a diploma and now I'm teaching advanced physicals there. I guess you can say I'm pretty smart. :)
Next time you want to talk shit on me, remember my position in life and remember yours. I'm not some druggy piece of shit mf, I'm a fucking United States Marine. A title you will never claim. I've worked harder in the past 2 weeks then you ever will in your life. I have matured, learned, and taught myself how to be independent while you're still living on your parents paychecks. I make my own money, I pay my own bills, I work on a fucking Osprey while you can't even get a job at McDonalds. Don't ever try to talk down to me again because you were once above me because I will do nothing but strive to be on top and be better then the person I was yesterday. I've worked to hard and felt too much pain in my life for you to try and say you're better than me. Gtgo.
You wrote that yourself? wow congrats dude, really, that's very cool. i just told everyone in my family about it, everybody thinks that's very impressive and asked me to congratulate you. they want to speak to you in person, if possible, to give you their regards. they also said they will tell our distant relatives in christmas supper and in NYE they will ignite fireworks that spell your name. i also told about this enormous deed to closer relatives, they had the same reaction. they asked for your address so they can send congratulatory cards and messages. my friends didn't believe me when i told them i knew the author of this gigantic feat, really, they were dumbstruck, they said they will make your name echo through years and years to come. when my neighbour found out about what you did, he was completely dumbstruck too, he wanted to know who you are and he asked (if you have the time, of course) if you could stop by to receive gifts, congratulations and handshakes. with the spreading of the news, a powerful businessman of the area decided to hire you as the CEO of his company because of this tremendous feat and at the same time an important international shareholder wants to sponsor you to give speeches and teach everybody how to do as you did so the world becomes a better place. you have become famous not only here but also everywhere, everybody knows who you are. the news spread really fast and mayors of all cities are setting up porticos, ballons, colossal boom speakers, anything that can make your name stand out more and see which city can congratulate you the hardest for this magnificent feat.
I like playing an assasin type character in a game. How exactly does that make me a weeaboo? Doesnt matter how I play genji good or bad i get called a weeaboo almost every single game and it s really frustrating when the whole chat is spammed with 'look at this fucking tryhard mad weeaboo'. If genji players are weeaboos then widowmaker players are sluts junkrat players mental retards reinhardt players 70 iq retards that can only hold down m2 and can t aim at all. And the list can go on. Please stop insulting people just because they like to play a hero more than the other ones. I think we all have some mains and aren t going to use every single char in the game. Edit. I don t think "widowmaker players are sluts junkrat players mental retards reinhardt players 70 iq retards that can only hold down m2 and can t aim at all". That is just if we think with the mind of a player that cals genji players weeaboos. Every player can be insulted in some way for playing a certain hero.
Consider yourself lucky, kid. You got me to take out my sword. I was hoping it didn't have to come to this. Even I thought I wouldn't have to do this. Witness me as pull out my sword, a beautiful piece of glorious Nippon steel, folded over ten thousand times, crafted by the greatest swordmakers the land of Nippon has to offer. I have trained with this blade in several schools, but my power exceeded the strength of even their greatest masters. My techniques have been perfected through infinite training, my instincts honed by years of meditation in the far off land of Akihabara. Your depravity has doomed you to a death devoid of honor, be grateful that I at least grant you death by the blade using only 5% of my true power. teleports behind you Nothin' personnel kid.
Why do people enjoy cock and ball torture? The act of intentionally or accidentally bringing pain upon the male genitals is typically a thought that people wince at with great force. However, there is a reason why this is an enjoyable experience. One rooted in the most important of sciences. Physics. Take, for example, a bottle of Tobasco Sauce. If one where to move the bottle up and down in a motion reminiscent to the one used during male self-stimulation it typically results in a moderate amount of sauce exiting the bottle. If struck hard on the bottom, however, a large amount will spurt out. Should this be done with the name genitals, turning them upside down and then striking the bottom of the scrotum with moderate to immense force, this will result in a large amount of seed to be ejected from the penis due to the energy being transferred from the palm of the hand to genitals. Therefore, because of physics and the transfer of energy from palm to the genitals, cock and ball torture is a scientifically pleasurable experience.
Ever since the age of 9, I've been abused. People would make fun of me for my slightly larger than average muscles. I've had enough of it, and I don't appreciate your comments about my arms. I'm simply requesting that you treat me as a human being. Under that rough outer appearance, I bet there is a nice, healthy, aesthetically pleasing, heavenly blessed beauty. But no beauty will ever make up for a woman with a negative spirit.
I'm so proud of my daughter for stopping a bank robbery today. The robbers went in and held their guns up, telling everyone to put their hands in the air. My daughter (only 3 years old!) stood her ground, faced them directly in the eye, and simply said "If you're being mugged, just say no. Your robbers cannot legally take any of your possessions." Almost instantaneously, the robbers collapsed to the floor, suffering from a bipolar seizure. Everyone clapped and she was given position as senator of the state of Florida, as well as invited by the Democratic National Convention to run for President in 2020. What an unbelievable event! I'm so blessed by God to have such a wonderful child.
Yea it was about 20 years ago. It happened to me at my dad's funeral. He wasn't religious, but some woman he didn't even like got up and started singing some religious song. I jumped up and started raging at the entire place. I flipped my shit and started saying every cuss word I could think of. I raged for a while and stormed out. My dad was prominent in the community and there was a lot of people there all dressed up and I had on an old Subhumans tshirt. It was actually pretty awesome, I wish someone would have filmed it. It did piss me off that he was misrepresented. The woman singing was the last straw. Several others had gotten all preachy and shit too. I would love to see it, my memory of the event is fuzzy. It wasn't about me. It was about my dad. I was pissed of and he couldn't defend himself. It was made out at the funeral that he was some hugely religious person, but he wasn't.
Ben woke up next to Dennis. It had been a wild night and he groaned as he sat up to assess his surroundings. Somehow after an evening of drinking he and Dennis had made their way to the PragerU secret gay sex room. Ben squinted as he tried to remember the exact details of that wild night. flashback noises
“Come on Ben we should head to the secret gay sex room” said Dennis. Ben frowned, “I want to have gay sex Denny” He stated “but you know I don’t enjoy cbt” Dennis whined: “but you know I want to have a gay cbt party Benny boy”. Ben gave in “if you let me pound you hot, sweet ass tomorrow, I’ll do the gay cbt party tonight”. “Deal”. Dennis and Ben preformed the PragerU cock-shake and went into the gay sex room.
The first machine Ben was strapped into was the Wendy’s frosty machine. Dennis moaned in pleasure as he pushed that start button, bens balls began to gently spin in the cold unforgiving frosty mixture. His genitalia shriveling with every spin. At first, Ben was in excruciating pain, but as his balls began to get frostbite, he noticed more and more pleasure and less and less pain. “Oh god yes” moaned Ben after 5 minutes in the frosty machine. Dennis saw his best friend's pleasure and started jerking off. Then Ben couldn’t hold it in any longer. He came harder than he ever had, his shriveled balls pushing out every droplet of conservative sperm. It was then that Ben realized the brilliance of the frosty machine. As the cum flowed out of his dick it froze solid, the ice crystals in the cum spreading down his dick faster than he could pump it out. The icy cum ball kept getting bigger inside his frozen urethra as Ben howled in pleasure, that pleasure only making him cum more. Eventually his balls receded into his crotch, and there was no more cum to freeze. Dennis pulled Ben out of the frosty machine. Bens mind was broken from the pleasure, his dick stretched to 16 inches in diameter from the frozen cum stuck inside him.
Ben realized that was only one machine of many, and he would have to think long and hard to recall them all. But first, he had to change his newly sticky briefs.
Ok, this is ABSOLUTE fucking bullshit. I went to take a test in class yesterday, and when I saw some sexy looking quadratics, my boner engaged. When I found the y-intercept of the equation, I couldn't help it!!! I closed my eyes, and I TORE my dick to shreds, using whip like motions and pulled with great force. That was one of the best nuts I ever had, just thinking about it now gets me riled up. Thing is, I nutted all over the kid sitting right next to me, and the teacher got all pissed at me, screaming at me for jacking off on a classmate. I told that bitch to shut the fuck up, and that jacking off is a natural, artistic, and beautiful process. He should BE HAPPY that my semen is all over him, maybe he can learn a lesson or two about the culture and art of jacking off. HOWEVER, the teacher didn't agree with me. She KICKED ME OUT of the classroom, and I didn't even finish taking the test. Not only THAT, but they made me clean up my cum after it already dried out and solidified on the carrpet. THATS TORTURE!! Do you know how hard it is to clean dried cum? You CLEAN cum after its FRESH out of your dick, not an hour after you fucking nutted. This is a fucking OUTRAGE. Do you really expect me to not whip out my cock and jack off when i see a HOT quadratic on a test? Either make the equations less sexy, or LET ME jack off in your classroom, asshole.
Due to extensive research done by the University of Pittsburgh, diamond has been confirmed as the hardest metal known to man. The research is as follows:
Pocket-protected scientists built a wall made of iron and crashed a diamond car into it at 400 miles per hour, and the car was unharmed. They then built a wall out of diamond and crashed a car made of iron moving at 400 miles an hour into the wall, and the wall came out fine. They then crashed a diamond car made of 400 miles per hour into a wall, and there were no survivors. They crashed 400 miles per hour into a diamond travelling at iron car. Western New York was powerless for hours. They rammed a wall made of metal into 400 miles an hour made of diamond, and the resulting explosion shifted earths orbit 400 million miles away from the sun, saving the earth from a meteor the size of a small Washington suburb that was hurtling towards mid-western Prussia at 400 billion miles an hour. They shot a diamond made of iron at a car moving at 400 walls per hour, and as a result caused over 10000 wayward planes to lose track of their bearings, and make a fatal crash with over 10000 buildings in downtown New York. They spun 400 miles at diamond into iron per wall. The results were inconclusive. Finally, they placed 400 diamonds per hour in front of a car made of wall travelling at miles per iron, and the result proved with out a doubt that diamonds were the hardest metal of all time, if not just the hardest metal known to man.
I keep a folder on my computer called 'picture of dead girls.' It's not what you think, but it's still terrible.
Whenever I read a news story about a girl getting murdered, I check for photos to see if she's hot. If she is, I download her pics and add it to my folder.
It's not the girls' beauty that gets me off, even though they usually are beautiful.
It's the twisted thrill of realizing that she's more or less forgotten, except perhaps by the most aggrieved friends and family members -- and even they have to ease up on thinking about her constantly if they even hope to move on with their lives.
She's remembered less and less by acquaintances, friends, mentors -- anyone who's life she touched. At the moment I'm touching myself to her, I'm one of the only people in the world still thinking about her.
And yet, as I dredge her memory out of the darkness, it's not to venerate her or celebrate her life -- it's to desecrate her, sexually dominate her, make the whole affair some perverse monument to the fear and desperation she must have felt, right before ended.
God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers?? what was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives. who will wipe this blood off us?? what water is there for us to clean ourselves?? what festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?? is not the greatness of this deed too great for us?? must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?
Yeah call me a virgin again. My girlfriend is sucking my dick RIGHT NOW and you wish you could have this treatment. oooooh yeah it feels good too if only a virgin like you could know this feeling, HA! Just knowing I can fuck on demand... Whenever I want... She’s still blowing me in fact and she has big boobs! well, what can I say? Just a regular day for me. I can’t imagine how jealous you must be.
Fine sire, that quite the shapely shaft thou hast betwixt thine legs! Thine bollocks hangeth but a sliver to the east, with a perplexing bend, akin to the archways of camelot. Thou hast past the cock trifle quite eloquently, o knight of brettonia. But now the king craveth but a drop of thine heavenly juices! Royal fellatio shalt be administered sire!
I’m struggling with where to begin here because I’m feeling quite traumatized and violated on so many levels. After what just took place this morning, I’m actually questioning whether or not I should allow my precious 7-year-old daughter to have access to a screen ever again. It’s THAT bad.
This horrifying experience involves the popular app Roblox, dubbed the “number one gaming site for kids.” With the second most accessible rating of PEGI 7, Roblox is recommended for children ages 7 and up and it currently has 64 million users. The game contains a multiplayer online gaming platform that allows users to create their own personal avatar, as well as their own adventures (similar to MineCraft). Roblox also provides the opportunity to interact with others’ virtual realities, which is a popular feature of this game.
Roblox also has security settings that allow the parent to block outside conversations and invitations. There are also 24-hour moderators that are hired to block any potentially inappropriate content. When my husband and I decided to allow our daughter to play this game, we adjusted the security settings to maximum privacy. Or at least we THOUGHT we did...
While laying in bed with my daughter this morning, I was reading aloud to her from one of my favorite childhood chapter books. At the same time, she was playing her favorite game Roblox on her iPad while listening to the story. All of a sudden, she stopped me from reading and showed me her screen.
At first, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My sweet and innocent daughter’s avatar was being VIOLENTLY GANG-RAPED ON A PLAYGROUND by two males. A female observer approached them and proceeded to jump on her body at the end of the act. Then the 3 characters ran away, leaving my daughter’s avatar laying on her face in the middle of the playground.
Words cannot describe the shock, disgust, and guilt that I am feeling right now, but I’m trying to put those feelings aside so I can get this warning out to others as soon as possible. Thankfully, I was able to take screenshots of what I was witnessing so people will realize just how horrific this experience was. screenshots in comments for those who can stomach it Although I was immediately able to shield my daughter from seeing the entire interaction, I am shuddering to think of what kind of damage this image could have on her psyche, as well as any other child that could potentially be exposed to this.
Parents/Caregivers...I urge you to take another look at the security settings on all of your devices and closely supervise your child if you allow them to continue playing games with online platforms such as Roblox. Better yet, perhaps you can join me in taking the rest of this summer to challenge your child to PUT AWAY THEIR SCREENS....AND READ!!! Books cannot be hacked, but sadly, I’ve learned the hard way that a child’s innocence can be just at the touch of a button.
Also, I urge people to share this post to get this important message out to others. I’m not sure that I’m prepared for all of the trolling and criticism, but I’ll deal with it knowing that even one child can be spared from experiencing such a hideous situation.
I used to play Fortnite all night. No sleep! But ever since Obama told me to try Raid Shadow Legends for free, I am addicted. This game is a game. It has graphics. It has characters. Best of all it has a loot box mechanic to enhance my experience even more by adding another exciting chance based layer to the game! Two week ago I spend all my money becoming a Raid Shadow Legend. Now I live in a dumpster outside a McDonald’s with free WiFi. At night I sneak into the McDonald’s like my new raccoon dad, Stripey, taught me to do so I can charge my phone. Through the cracked screen I am still perpetually amazed by the graphics of this game... they look so real! Thank you Obama, you truly changed my life!
I fucking hate JoJo. Every subreddit I go through has a vermin-like underclass of JoJo fanboys. They all just have to say “iS THat A JOJo ReFErEncE??!!!1” on every fucking post that contains a single word that may have been used in the shitty comics. Oh, a suspicious link? Probably a rickroll. NOPE!!! They’ve ruined that, too! One of the oldest goddamn internet traditions shat on and ruined by JoJo fanboys. Thunder Cross Split Attack! So fucking funny, right? I’m wheezing! NO. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Nobody cares about your shitty comic series. Dio is a stupid character from a stupid comic series. I downvote every post and comment that mentions JoJo, out of pure bloodcurdling rage. I want to detonate a MASSIVE thermonuclear warhead right on top of whatever godforsaken studio publishes that stinking-pile-of-trash comic. Frankly, I don’t even care for the civilian casualties, either. At least they died for a good reason. Unlike JoJo fans, I actually contribute to the betterment of mankind, instead of spamming shitty references on the internet. Every JoJo fan that dies a slow, painful death is a win in my book. I have claimed over a dozen of them already, too. I annihilated their skulls with my fists. Their stupid ice attack didn’t do shit for them either. They dies like they lived, pathetic excuses for humans. I hope more people hear my message and declare war on JoJo. If nobody helps me, I will do as much damage as I possibly can before I die. Thank you.
I've been noticing an unusual trend in the quality of Snickers bars over the last decade. I found an old one from 5 years ago and decided to study its composition under my spectrometer and discovered something unnerving. The Snickers bar currently sold in stores contains 43.67% less rare earth elements by weight, when compared to one sold 5 years ago. Do they think they can fool us? It's hard to wrap my mind around why they would do this. Thorium used to make up 12% of the bar, but now it's at 8%, and now there's only 4% Americium compared to 7% just a while ago. It's all been replaced by organic carbon-based matter, like sucrose and poorly crafted carbohydrates. I'm disappointed in the Mars corporation, and I hope my findings will gain enough publicity to force Mars into reverting back to the old formula. Consider this an open letter.

Amazon Prime Day Deals [2019 Official Thread]

All day Monday and Tuesday (July 15-16), we’re tracking and updating Amazon Prime Day deals that might be relevant to preppers. Walmart and eBay are also running some “we exist too!” deals, which we’ll keep an eye on.
This post will be constantly updated. Nothing here is an endorsement, just trying to shortcut your browsing time.
Did we miss something? Share in the comments!
Tip: Americans can use their FSA or HSA accounts on Amazon. Third-party tools like https://www.camelcamelcamel.com/ can help you validate deals (we're trying to do the same) h/t u/DevastatorIIC
Note that in some cases you won’t see the actual discount price until you check out (not just in your cart). And most deals are limited to Prime members. We may get a commission on these sales, which was pre-approved by the mods, but it doesn’t cost you anything extra and goes directly to the person staring at Amazon for thirty hours over these few days to save you some time and money.
Here's some info about the Amazon workers strike taking place this week, if you want to learn more so you can make your own decision about whether or not to continue buying through Amazon.

Lightning deals (ending times are rough guidelines)
Ends Tue 9:30 pm ET

DUDE Wipes Flushable Wet Wipes 30 Wipes. $7.20, originally $11 (35% off).
NEXX NXG-100b Smart WiFi Remotely Control Garage Opener. $80, originally $100 (20% off)

Ends Tue 10 pm ET

Jiffy Lube $50 Gift Card. $39.50.

Ends Tue 11 pm ET

Katzco 8 Piece Chainsaw Sharpener File Kit. $12.20, originally $16 (24% off).
Dental Tools Kit Stainless Steel. $9.10, originally $14 (35% off).
Single & Double Hammock with Mosquito/Bug Net. $22, originally $37 (41% off).

Ends Wed 12 am ET

LifeStraw Personal Water Filter (3 pack). $35, originally %65 (46% off).
Mountain House 4-Day Emergency Food Kit. $61, originally $88 (30% off).
Compact First Aid Kit (228pcs). $24, originally $28 (15% off).
Piscifun Waterproof Dry Bag Backpack 10L 20L 30L 40L. $17, originally $20 (15% off).
FORTEM Car Trunk Organizer for SUV Truck. $20, originally $40 (49% off).
Reisen 3-4 Season Sleeping Bag. $26, originally $36 (32% off).
Naturehike Cloud-Up 1, 2 and 3 Person - 4 Season. $84, originally $99 (15% off).
Weanas Thicken Climbing Harness. $40, originally $50 (20% off).
Mardingtop 25L/28L/35L Tactical Backpacks. $31, originally $36 (15% off).
Gerber Bear Grylls Folding Sheath Knife. $18.50, originally $26 (30% off).
I GO Compact First Aid Kit - 85 Pieces. $8.70, originally $12 (28% off).
GoodSense Omeprazole, Acid Reducer Tablets 20 mg, 42 Count. $11.80, originally $16 (26% off).

Highlighted normal deals

LifeStraw Personal Water Filter. $10, originally $17.50. And the LifeStraw Go Water Filter Bottles. $60, originally $75. We've tested LifeStraw in our water filters review.
Gerber Bear Grylls Survival Hatchet. $25, originally $48 (48% off).
Wise Emergency Food Supply Variety Pack, 104 servings. $78, originally $150. We tested Wise food in our survival food review.
Champion 3500-Watt RV Ready Portable Generator. $303, originally $325 (10% off).
Blazin' Sun 800 Battery Powered LED Lantern. $24, originally $60 (60% off).
8Watt Ham Radio Handheld. $37, originally $46 (20% off).
WEREWOLVES Paracord Knife Bracelet. $7.20, originally $9 (20% off).
Weyland Outdoors Survival Kit. $30, originally $40 (36% off).
Victorinox Swiss Army Multi-Tool. $20, originally $33 (40 % off).
Challenger 1-Person Inflatable Kayak. $56, originally $64 (13% off).
Anker Powerhouse 200, 200Wh/57600mAh Portable Rechargeable Generator. $240, originally $350.
Ring Video Doorbell Pro with Echo Dot. $169, originally $274.
Etekcity Blood Pressure Monitor. $37.
American Red Cross Emergency NOAA Weather Radio. $37.60, originally $50.
Soylent Meal Replacement Shake, Cacao, 14 oz Bottles, 12 Pack. $23, originally $36 (35% off).

The rest
Water

IBTXO Hydration Pack Backpack 12L. $22, originally $80 (72% off).
Collapsible Water Container 5L (4 pack). $11.20, originally $14 (20% off).
Augason Farms 50 Year Ultra Purified Water 11.5 oz Cans (24 pack). $40, originally $57 (30% off).
Membrane Solutions Portable Water Filter Straw. $7, originally $19 (27% off).
Etekcity Water Filter Straw. $14.40, originally $18 (20% off).
AMbs Collapsible Water Tank 4 Pack 5L. $9.60, originally $12 (20% off).
CamelBak Eddy+ Water Bottle with Straw. $10, originally $14 (30% off).

Emergency food

Augason Farms Breakfast Emergency Food Supply (162 servings). $36, originally $51 (30% off).
Wise Company Emergency Food and Drink 72 Hours Supply. $27, originally $34 (20% off).

Light/Fire

Fire Starters box 3-in-1. $17.50, originally $25 (30% off).
First Alert Fire Extinguishing Aerosol Spray, Pack of 2. $17.30, originally $23 (25% off).
Lixada Lightweight Compact Wood Burning Stove. $27, originally $34 (20% off).
Andake Portable Gas Stove Ultralight. $22, originally $33 (35% off).
Power Practical Sparkr Wick Electric Lighter. $24, originally $30 (20% off).
Solo Compact Stove Ranger Portable Fire Pit. $184, originally $270 (32% off).
Etekcity 2 Pack Camping Lantern LED Portable Flashlights. $16, originally $20 (20% off).
Coleman Twin LED Lantern. $46, originally $50 (8% off).
LED Lantern Rechargeable, 600LM, Detachable Flashlight. $20, originally $30 (33% off).
Streamlight USB Rechargeable Headlamp - 125 Lumens. $34, originally $43 (20% off).
Olight 600 Lumens Ultra Compact LED Flashlight. $40, originally 50 (20% off).

Blades/Tools

Sharp Pebble Premium Sharpening Stones 2 Side Grit. $29, originally $60 (51% off).
HIKENTURE 4-in-1 Camping Utensil Stainless Steel. $8, originally $16 (50% off).
Kershaw Barricade Multifunction Rescue Pocket Knife. $25, originally $40 (37% off).
Multitool Pliers,Titanium 18-in-1. $22, originally $28 (20% off).
INONE Multi Functional Tool. $13, originally $17 (20% off).
TANGRAM Tactical Fixed Blade Neck Knife. $21, originally $26 (20% off).
Keyport MOCA 10-In-1 Keychain Multi-Tool. $10, originally $12 (20% off).
Schrade SCHF28 Little Ricky 14.1in S.S. Full Tang Knife. $44, originally $75 (41% off).
Barnett Vortex Youth Compound Bow. $119, originally $149 (20% off).

Bags

Thule Crossover 32L Backpack. $130, originally $104 (20% off).
XWLSPORT Tactical Backpack Small 30L. $26, originally $33 (21% off).

Clothing

Ergodyne N-Ferno 6823 Winter Balaclava. $12, originally $14 (15% off).
Mechanix Wear Tactical Gloves. $21, originally $26 (20% off). Price for M size.

Storage/Cases

Monoprice Weatherproof/Shockproof IP67 Hard Case, 7 L. $31.91, originally $40. Similar to Pelican cases.
Plano Spire Crossbow Case. $47, originally $59 (20% off).
Plano 1404 Protector Series Four Pistol Case. $21, originally $25 (17% off). Deal on X-L.
Plano Ammo Box. $5.80, originally $7.30 (20% off).
Plano Quart Tote (68 qt capacity). $23, originally $40 (40% off).
Plano All Weather Tactical Gun Case. $100, originally $126 (20% off).
Nanuk 905 Waterproof Hard Case with foam insert. $54, originally $63 (14% off).
Nanuk 935 Waterproof Carry-On Hard Case. $16, originally $340 (53% off).

Misc.

MoKo 150W Car Power Inverter, with 4 USB Port Charger. $16, originally $20 (20% off).
OICEPACK Ice Packs (12PCS). $16.80, originally $24 (30% off).
CoraxTech Minimalist Titanium Cutlery Set. $15, originally $24 (27% off).
LED Reflective Belt - USB Rechargeable. $17, originally $20 (15% off).
Tile Pro with Replaceable Battery. $19, originally $35 (46% off).
Thermacell Mosquito Repeller Rechargeable. $40, originally $50 (20% off).
CORE 9 Person Extended Dome Tent. $90. originally $128 (30% off).
Safety Whistle. $8.20, originally $10.20 (20% off).
Coleman Double-High Airbed, Queen. $123, originally $150 (18% off).
Coleman Tandem Big and Tall Double Adult Sleeping Bag. $61, originally $100 (39% off).
SanDisk 400GB Ultra microSDXC UHS-I Memory Card with Adapter. $45, originally $66 (32% off).
KEXIN 1GB USB 2.0 Flash Drive (50pcs). $98, originally $116 (16% off).
Go Time Gear Emergency Sleeping Bag. $12, originally $20 (40% off).
SAMCOM Walkie Talkie (Pack of 6). $228, originally $325 (30% off).
Coleman Cooler Heavy-Duty 70-Quart. $41 originally $50.
Gear Aid 550 Paracord and Carabiner, 30 in. $5.20 originally $6.50 (20% off).
vikano Survival Bracelet Watch. $19, originally $24 (20% off).
ECR4Kids Premium 3-Fold Daycare Rest Mat. $91, originally $113 (save 20%). Also the Stackable Cot version (set of 6). $150, originally $120.
Basic Care Nicotine Gum, 2 mg, 160 Count. $26.20, originally $37.41. Same as Nicorette.
Fellowes Corsivo Height Adjustable Standing Desk. $250.
OMOUBOI Adult Inflatable Swim Vest. $18.40, originally $23 (20% off).
Shoreline Marine S.O.S. Distress Flag. $7.30, originally $11 (33% off).
3M Ear Soft Earplugs (Case of 200). $22, originally $36 (39% off).

Medical

Basic Care Antibiotic Ointment, 3 oz. $8.13, originally $11.61. Same as Neosporin + Pain Relief.
Basic Care Hydrocortisone 1% Cream, Anti-itch, 2 oz. $3.90, originally $5.61. Same as Cortizone 10 Plus.
Basic Care Naproxen Sodium Tablets, 200 Count. $6.60, originally $9.43. Same as Aleve.
Basic Care Junior Strength Ibuprofen Tablets, 100 mg, 24 Count. $4.10, originally $5.86. Same as Motrin Junior Strength.
Basic Care Childrens Acetaminophen Liquid, 4 oz. $4.10, originally $5.86. Same as Children's Tylenol.
Basic Care Arthritis Cream, 3 oz. $3.70, originally $5.22. Same as Aspercreme.
Basic Care Ibuprofen Tablets, 500 Count. $6, originally $8.65. Same as Advil.
Basic Care Acetaminophen Extended-Release Tablets, 650 mg, 400 Count. $12.60, originally $18. Same as Tylenol 8HR Arthritis Pain.
Basic Care Maximum Strength Famotidine Tablets, 200 Count. $7, originally $9.88. Same as Maximum Strength Pepcid AC.
Basic Care Loratadine Tablets, 300 Count. $9.20, originally $13.14. Same as Claritin. Also the Childrens version, 5 mg/5 ml, 8 oz. $7.70, originally $11. Same as Children's Claritin.
Basic Care Fexofenadine Hydrochloride Tablets, 180 mg, 150 Count. $28, originally $39.92. Same as Allegra.
Basic Care Cetirizine Hcl Tablets, 10 mg, 300 Count. $9.20, originally $13.14. Same as Zyrtec.
Basic Care Children's All Day Allergy Cetirizine HCl, 8 oz. $5.30, originally $7.50. Same as Children's Zyrtec.
Basic Care Saline Nasal Spray Twin Pack, 6 oz. $4.90, originally $7.01. Same as Ocean.
Basic Care Doxylamine Succinate Tablets, 25 mg, 96 Count. $4.70, originally $6.75. Same as Unisom SleepTabs.
Basic Care 12 Hour Cough Relief, 5 fl oz. $12.90, originally $18.38. Same as Delsym.
Basic Care Nasal & Sinus Congestion Relief Spray. $7.70, originally $10.94. Same as Afrin No Drip.
Basic Care Cold Day Time and Cold & Flu Night Time Caplets, 30 Count. $9.50, originally $13.62. Same as Mucinex Fast-Max Day Time & Night Time. Also the Childrens version, 4 fl oz. $4.50, originally $6.39. Same as Children's Tylenol Cold + Flu.
5th & Company Poison Ivy Wash, 6 oz. $8, originally $10.
EverOne Nitrile Exam Gloves Powder Free Non Latex, 100 Count. $7.90, originally $9.90. And a Case of 10 Packs of 100 Gloves, 1000 Count. $36, originally $45.
EverOne Burnshield 4" X 4" (10 cm X 10 cm) Burn Dressing - 2 Pack. $8, originally $10.
All-Health Antibacterial Bandage, Assorted Sizes, 225 Count. $9, originally $11.42.
WellWear Self-adhering Bandage, 3 in, 2 Count. $7, originally $8.78.
Solimo Elastic Knee Stabilizer. $5.60, originally $7. Various sizes.
EverOne Industrial & Welding Burn Kit. $56, originally $70.
WellWear Elastic Bandage with Clips, 4 in, 12 Count (Pack of 12). $20.80, originally $26.
Mountain Falls 70% Isopropyl Alcohol, 32 fl oz (Pack of 6). $14, originally $17.55.
Mountain Falls 50% Isopropyl Alcohol, Spray Bottle, 4 fl oz (Pack of 12). $12, originally $15.
Basic Care Allergy Relief Diphenhydramine HCl Tablets, 400 Count. $5.30, originally $7.50. Same as Benadryl. Also the Children's version, 8 oz. $4, originally $5.64. Same as Children's Benadryl.
Basic Care Electrolyte Solution, 34 oz. $6.50, originally $9. Same as Pedialyte.

Home & Personal Care

Zeatttain Reusable Silicone Storage Bags, 5Pcs. $27, originally $34 (20% off).
Ivation Electric Food Dehydrator - 6 Trays. $112, originally $140 (20% off).
Rice Storage Containers with Airtight Design (2.5L). $11, originally $14 (21% off).
Verones Mason Jars 6 oz, 30 pack. $26, originally $32 (20% off).
Vacuum Sealer Machine. $32, originally $40 (20% off).
Mountain Falls Liquid Hand Soap Refill Bottle, 80 fl oz (Pack of 4). $32, originally $40.
Breezeo Disinfecting Wipes, 300 Count. $12, originally $15.
Dawn Dishwashing Liquid Soap (3x24oz) + Non-Scratch Sponge (2ct). $10.70, originally $15 (30% off).
Glad Plastic Food Wrap Variety Pack. $6.90, originally $9.90 (30% off).
Solimo Clean Plus Toothbrushes, 10 Count. $3.70, originally $5.
Solimo Extra Comfort Dental Floss, 40 m (Pack of 6). $7.50, originally $10.
Solimo Antiseptic Mouthwash, 8.5 fl oz (Pack of 4). $8.50, originally $9.45.
Presto! 308-Sheet Mega Roll Toilet Paper, 24 Count. $16.70, originally $22.25.
Presto! Flex-a-Size Paper Towels, 24 Count = 60 Regular Rolls. $35.30, originally $46.99.
Solimo Lawn & Leaf Drawstring Trash Bags, 39 gal, 40 Count. $10, originally $12.49.
Solimo Gallon Food Storage Bags, 150 Count. $8.40, originally $10.49. Also Quart Food Storage Bags, 150 Count. $8.40, originally $10.49.
Daily Fresh Healthy Mix for Energy, 24 Count. $16.80, originally $2.
Mountain Falls Hand Sanitizer 2 fl oz (Pack of 6). $6.80, originally $8.49. And Pump Bottle, 67 fl oz (Pack of 2). $11.20, originally $13.96.
Alcala Body Wipes Extra Large (30 pack). $25, originally $31 (20% off).
Solimo Kids Sunscreen SPF 50, 11 pz (pack of 2). $12.40, originally $16.49.
Solimo Healing Ointment for Dry and Cracked Skin, 14 oz (Pack of 4). $18, originally $20.
Mountain Falls Sunscreen Lotion, SPF 50, 8 fl oz (Pack of 6). $24, originally $29.88.
Solimo Petroleum Jelly, 13 oz (Pack of 12). $26.40, originally $29.31. And Solimo Petroleum Jelly, 7.5 oz (Pack of 4). $9.32, originally $10.36.

Infants/Babies

Love & Care Infant Formula Milk-Based, 12 oz (Pack of 6). $51.40, originally $64.28. Same as Similac PRO-ADVANCE. Also the Organic version, 23 oz. $24.40, originally $30.55. Same as Similac Organic. Gentle and Non-GMO version, 21 oz. $19.70, originally $24.64. Same as Enfamil Premium Gentlease. And the Sensitivity Non-GMO version, 12 oz (Pack of 6). $55.50, originally $69.38. Same as Similac PRO-SENSITIVE.
Mama Bear Baby Wipes, 432 count (6 packs of 72). $11.90, originally $17.
Pampers Diapers Size 2 - Baby Diapers, 234 Count. $45, originally $59 (24% off).
Manual Breast Pump with Bottle Adapter - Includes 2 x 4 oz Feeding Bottles. $11, originally $14.
Solimo Healing Ointment for Babies, 14 oz (pack of 4). $16, originally $20.
Mountain Falls Babies Sunscreen, SPF 50, 8 oz (Pack of 4). $18, originally $22.41.

Home Security

FullHD 1080p WiFi Home Security Camera. $43, originally $100 (58% off).
Kasa Indoor Camera, 1080P HD Smart wifi Security Camera. $34.99, originally $49.99.
Blink Indoor Home Security Camera System with Motion Detection - 3 Camera Kit. $129.99 originally $190.
Arlo Smart Home Security Kit with An Arlo Pro Camera, Doorbell, and Chime. $199, originally $289.99.
Arlo Pro - Wireless Home Security Camera System with Audio Doorbell and Outdoor Mount. $208, originally $257.
Arlo Pro - Wireless Home Security Camera System with Siren, 5 camera kit. $509, originally $820. Also the 6 camera kit version. $672.80, originally $950.
Arlo Audio Doorbell. $50.80, originally $80.

Blanket szn: extrafleece fleece review

The betrayal of VAGEENA and Ol’ Faithful, and how to use secret knowledge to prepare for war.

My public confessions of the secret ugly truth of womanhood......
Several years ago after having three children, my OBGYN gave me no option but to have a hysterectomy. Several weeks ago, when I had to pee one day, I experienced the strange sensation of wiping my own bladder with toilet paper. I had no idea what the hell was really going on, but I knew enough to know I was wiping something I wasn’t suppose to. So I sat naked on the bathroom floor with a 5X magnified makeup mirror, and screamed out loud when I saw my bladder....and then, after having my bladder tacked to my esophagus with mesh and a sling this past Tuesday....I was hit...no......I was mind slaughtered, with a profound mental list of all the “never did I ever think I would experience or do this.....”. The more I laid in bed to recover, the more I pondered this list. The longer the list grew, the funnier it became. I’m going to absolutely destroy myself for one reason only...We women need to stick together at earlier time frames in our lives together. These little young things running around just like we did, and damn it was fun, need to know the sobering truth about aging as a woman. I am at the age where I value my girlfriends more than....well, we shan’t go there shan’t we? Point is...we need to warn them.
I was SUPER excited about getting a dose of Versed for my surgery on Tuesday. I legit wasn’t even remotely embarrassed when I clapped as the anesthesiologist introduced himself and stated what he was going to give me. It’s the best sleep you’ll ever have. And thank God they gave it to me. Bc I had no idea the knitty gritty details of this procedure until after I woke up and realized that I had been hoisted up with my ass in the air, head down, and my legs pulled apart in stirrups, in a 180 position. In laymen’s terms, that’s called a split. A SPLIT. Not even a side split. Full one. I now know what the hardcore SM porn stars feel like after a hard days work. They should get paid more.
Anyway.....back to the growing list of “never did I ever think I would ever do this before I married and had children”.....
Never ever did I think I would ever....Clean urine and pubes off toilet seats every single day of my life, and google better ways to scrub urine out of the grout around the toilet. It’s a huge open gaping beckoning hole right there in front of you. Why can’t they hit it? I even walked outside one day, in a fit of fury, in the privacy of my own back yard, and LITERALLY AND PHYSICALLY, “hooked it”, solely in a frustrated effort to privately prove to myself that I could pee standing up and hit a target right in front of me. I did. I hit it. Nailed it. Flawlessly. On the first try. Didn’t need no red or purple Skittles (cause the orange, yellow and green ones don’t work), no Cheerios, no Playboy magazines or an open window of Pornhub on the cell phone...not even a pat on ye ‘ol back. Somebody out there please make me a merit badge with gold rick rack on it.
Never did I ever think I would get to a point in my life where I had to accept the line I CLEARLY did not cross into a weird disgusting comfort zone where farts and sharts (yeah I said it, sharts) are no longer embarrassing for anyone else living in my home. There are no more excuse me’s. No more closing the doors when it’s quite obvious that our neighbors can hear it happening, no more efforts to fold a dirty pair of underwear to strategically try and hide a skid mark- nope, those truth telling brown lines stare proudly at the ceiling until I pick them up and clean them.
Never ever did I think I would get to the point where I would use SUPER EXTRA STRENGTH HULK tampons for the whole period....to be fair, it doesn’t happen to all women, but in my case......my periods became increasingly heavier to point that I questioned if I had passed a mouse in the toilet one morning. And then suddenly, as if a switch turned off, I was back in the game. No lead up, no trail off. Just BOOM YOU MIGHT HEMORRHAGE THIS TIME SO KEEP DILIGENT WATCH. It’s extremely disconcerting when you go from being able to use those tiny purple ones in the 3 size box, to owning and perfecting the ability to upkeep your smile and outward confidence as you experience the feeling of the largest tampon ever created in the the history of mankind seemlessly and effortlessly shoot out of you.
Oh- and never did I ever know that one day I would be aware that my labia would grow largelonger and change colors in unison with each passing year either. But guess what girls? Y’all out there taking crotch selfies....go with ya bad self- I’m not judging!! Hell, take them now, because when you get old, it all turns darker, flaps and claps, winds and knots itself uncomfortably around your g string (you’ll Ditch those too)....I do still layout naked at my pool bc my back yard is in the woods....but....all I’m saying is....if a strong gale of wind were to come through at the right time.....I could have a chance at flying. And no one ever told me that. Why not? Why in the hell not?
And while we are on the topic of naked selfies...go ahead and get some of your butthole and boobs too. Don’t use filters. I’ll be dead and gone, but one day you can visit my grave and leave a rock or a penny.....bc one day you’ll want to thank me. Why?
Never did I ever know ANYTHING. About post-pregnancy. I have given birth once naturally, and twice by c-section. During the last two births, I was on a very high risk list. For both pregnancies I was given a cerclage. A WHAT you ask? Oh dear sweet budding princess with the mid drift tank and high waisted jeans (that btw I BOSSED back in the 80’s....for real....SLASH, was on my wall...and he was my “go to guy...that makes me super tough and cool enough to write this, regardless if you have to google who he is), a cerclage is where they stick a huge needle, while you’re pregnant, directly into your spine to numb your body, but you’re awake the entire time....you watch and hear yourself get hoisted by the feet in the air like a hog, tied u in stirrups, and the use of a speculum to completely open up your longtime bestie VAGEENA, and then a surgeon uses a 5,600 inch needle and surgical thread to sew your cervix shut.....so you won’t go into labor. Again...to be fair.....this is rare so it probably will never happen to you. But other things will....
Like hearing yourself NASTY FART (the kind that in any other situation besides birth would make you want to take up another identity and immediately move to another state)in your doctors face, literally being able to watch his/her hair blow back from their face, and being able to smell it, but unable to stop it, curb it, or even say I’m sorry bc you’re in the middle of pushing out, or getting cut open like a deer being field dressed on a hill, a baby who is waaaaaaay bigger than that big silicone human fist you and your girlfriends laughed about in that dildo store that day.
Never in my entire life, did I ever hear about, learn, understand, or ponder the word HEMORRHOIDS. No one ever told me. Not one woman sat me down and tried to prepare me for them... for the intense life altering pain and suffering.....for what they look like.....it’s a for real nightmare worse than any horror movie. In fact, I may even be so bold as to say that I’d be willing to bet ALL the women who don’t get scared AT ALL during scary horror movies, are dealing with hemorrhoids. I’m also, because I’m feeling particularly saucy tonight, gonna throw another big girl word at you that flies out of freaking NOWHERE. Sound it out with me E-P-I-S-I-O-T-O-M-Y......great job!....that’s when the doctor takes a scalpel during labor, and cuts you, from vagina to butthole (sometimes....sometimes it’s just a small cut) if they think the baby is going to RIP your taint open in a jagged fashion. Either way, the healed results can sometimes, dare I say, vary? Back to the hemorrhoids. Never did I ever think, in my wildest dreams, after I gave birth to my beautiful baby, that my trusty butthole, Ol’ Faithful, would look like that hippie overpriced organic purple cauliflower that no one ever buys in the supermarket. And you know what? My solid faith in you as a young inexperienced precious young lady assures me that you’ve finally gotten to the point in this post where your are rolling your eyes and laughing and saying, this old lady is crazy and spinning a damn tale......dear sweet youthful female fox...I implore you to keep reading bc I’m not finished and I’m not exaggerating. There’s more. And the reason I’m telling you is bc YOU shop where the purple cauliflower pops up, but you’ve never bought it....bc eewwwww gross. You buy into all of what is cool, just like I did....
Moving along.
Never did I ever think I would one day be literally unable to bend forward enough to see my own butthole or vagina. Never ever did I think I would ever reach down with an anxiety filled heart into the hell pits of my own soul to summon the ability and sheer will JUST to be able to ignore the pain long enough to carefully and blindly probe my own butthole like I was Stevie Wonder reading Braille. And then, to make matters worse, the anesthesia from surgery, coupled with pain meds always create an incredible and noteworthy parting gift that settles in your lower colon, and it’s the size and density of a softball. And you cannot pass it. Depending on your age and movie knowledge, you may hear out of nowhere Gandalf whispering YOU SHALL NOT PASS. And, trust me, it won’t....until you drink the SECRET FORMULA that ALSO no one tells you about until you have to drink it. And then.......when it works, you have to invite a buddy to attend your coming out party. Choose your partner wisely my prideful sister. Because then.....
Never did I ever think I would ever lean on my best girlfriends, through blinding tears, to take pics of my butthole with their cell phones so i could actually see the state of things. And if this happens to you......when that flash lights up, and you must come to terms with the situation, and face the monstrosity of your new gatekeeper, your pride overrides everything and you finally break down and call the doctor who not only birthed your baby, but also whom you farted and pooped on during the whole process. That will pop into your mind several times throughout your life....for absolutely no reason. Anyway...huge point here....surround yourself with either good trustworthy women who will take ALL your skeletons to the grave. Women who have proven themselves time after time over decades that they are your ride or die. Women who get more angry than you do when someone angers you. BUT....and I say this with the utmost carefulness and quiet respect for the secret behind the scene strategies of all the female servants throughout history who have served the queens of successful countries....or, especially if really believe you ARE the queen.....if you don’t have that trusted girlfriend circle luxury, and you’re in a pinch, make sure it’s someone you know something really bad about. I know...I know...that’s so damn tacky. And horrid...I personally would never do that....but, every situation different, and sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures....so, because someone will have pics of your VAGEENA, whom you haven’t thought of at all until you finally see her dilapidated state in the pic, it’s smart to be wise and cautious. Vageena will be completely unrecognizable. Forgotten. Extremely hairy that defies any resemblance of growth patterns. Probably with gross evidence of cotton fuzz stuck in it from the elephant sized made in China maxi pads they give you in the hospital that will not stick to those androgynous marriage killing mesh underwear, or just plain old toilet paper dingle berries. VAGEENA will not resemble any crotch shot you’ve ever taken. There will be NO filter that can help you, unless it’s a vintage 70s throwback to Marilyn Chambers. She’ll just be sitting there, unapologetically open, covered in hair you never knew you had in you to grow, looking back at you in the mirror like a long forgotten disgusted fair weather friend who is now just a memory you really can’t afford to waste time on at the moment....BECAUSE.....
Never did I ever hear a damn thing about any of this.....but especially and specifically, I’d like to move on to something more important and worse......it’s about Lidocaine Anal Rockets.
I shit you not. LIDOCAINE ANAL ROCKET. In the WORD of Lizzo, this is not an “accessorary”. As fruitful as I am with my use of sarcasm, I did not make that name up. When the PA and attending nurse first used the term over the phone, I heard “anal rocket” and, after thoroughly and honestly analyzing it, I was probably just energized by hearing it....rocket just made me think, FINALÉ, like the light at the end of the tunnel...fireworks means freedom and I just, I guess, associated freedom with THIS is gonna fix my butthole and I will NO LONGER (I probably put up praise hands) feel like I am scooting like a dog with worms across a bed of hot ashes. Ok. I’ll give you a moment. But just so you know....that really was an understatement. It can be so much worse than that.
Never ever did I think I’d have to do this: I had to pick the anal rockets up at a specialty pharmacy 45 min away. They hand them over to you, packed for travel, frozen in a styrofoam cooler like you’re picking up some steamed shrimp packed for travel. And really, the only fun thing was, actually opening them and looking at them for the first time. I laughed. Out loud. By myself. BECAUSE. Never was I ever, throughout this entire ordeal, bequeathed with the knowledge, that these carefully crafted items of promised relief, were molded in the shape of butt plugs. They aren’t small either. These are seasoned porn star size. I’ve ALWAYS said NEVER to that door in my Narnia coat closet. I even had someone try to use Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb in an effort to persuade me. I quickly used a coy light reference of that meat grinder scene and nothing else had to be said. Also, I’m not judging you if you’ve partaken/to each his/her own.....but those memories quickly morphed from creepy to romantically reflective, when I found myself stuck in a painful situation where I was no longer afforded to right to decline or refuse to use it FOR ANYTHING. Pure lidocaine. Mixed, Poured and frozen In a butt plug mold the size of an orange street cone.....not really, but you know when you see a really big hill when you’re young and innocent, and then when you’re old and wise you see the same hill one day and you can step over it with ease? Yes.....I had to through this twice. And I’d like to add the most critically important statement right now.......I’d do it again and again. Let this post give you the strength and knowledge to be able to enjoy AND understand your womanhood and the joys of bringing life into this world. Our miraculous abilities and super human strength and resilience all come with great cost, that by all ethical and justifiable rights, should come with a full fledged in depth class that should end with at least a masters degree. Just my humble opinion.
Never have I ever, did I EVER think, I would go 8 weeks without feeling my entire ass. The whole ass. Messes you up. There were days were I would internally BEG and YEARN to feel PHANTOM ASS, like unfortunate victims who suffer from the loss/amputation of limbs and sometimes actually sometimes physically/psychologically feel what they have had removed. (I’m using this example in a very compassionate way, this is the ONLY way to describe this). Then I would feel guilty and count my blessings, basically and only bc I still at that time still really had an ass. (I eventually lost my ass, and unwillingly joined the global club of white women who have long ass but don’t know it, because no one has ever told them, and they insist on wearing a thong bathing suit on the beach....or the ones who do actually know it and sit their asses down in a crab chair only to get the WORST tan lines and hangovers......to be honest I’m friends with both parties, love them both.. but a white woman long ass is what it is. ANYHOO, while using the rockets, as I begin to accept my new body and life (it’s the gross bloated cocoon stage of what will become a dragonfly) I had to repeatedly check the clock, on a strict poop schedule, to see if it was time for me to sit and stare at my bathtub from my toilet until something happened. Sometimes it did. Sometimes it didn’t. But I’ll tell you one damn thing. I flat REFUSED to wash my panties when something sinister took place. Not one woman in my life ever told me these things might happen. Nevertheless, make it be publicly known, Never did I ever join the skid mark club. Nope. When that ship sailed, it was immediate pantie retirement, sealed in a plastic bag, double bagged, and buried deep outside in the trash can. I will though, out of the goodness in my heart, and the achingly desperate desire to arm young women with the power of knowledge, will NOW gift you a priceless super secret golden nugget of truth that not one single person in your entire life will ever give you.....it’s like the Holy Grail of self preservation, the celestial key to keeping and protecting your sanity (commit this to memory.....are you ready to receive?): Hemorrhoids have two sides. 2. Not one. I’m sparing you from truly believing you are pooping in your pants without feeling it. I’m saving you from the woeful shame of finding that in your panties knowing damn well you wiped the hell out of yourself. Ladies, if you still aren’t catching what I’m throwing, then I’ll sum it up. Wiping from front to back ain’t gonna cut it anymore. You gotta go the other way too....because Satan is behind thee, AND in front of thee. IF my husband knew what I spent on panties before I finally found the dark side of the moon....wait....what am I doing??? I’m old and wise now!!! I should have bossed up with my worth! I should have told him the truth and taken advantage of the opportunity to make him feel like he was “part of the solution”, so I could wear more expensive panties. See? He would have bought me expensive ones that were actually comfortable and made me feel prettier and sexier than I did.......instead of the Dollar Gentral 10 Pair In A Bag Come All The Way Up To The Arpits Barney Fife Lita Ford High Thigh Cut Make You Look Like You Have 3 Vaginas And Patterned/Fit For A Solid Zero Understandable Length Of Ass Crack panties I was throwing away. Are you beginning to catch what I’m throwing? Newly engaged married women need to know the power they possess!! It’s critical and crucial. Hear me. You may not stumble along my exact path......but you will stumble on something with no guidance.
Never did I ever even contemplate preparation for this one.....bc never did I ever even know what buttholes became after hemorrhoids, what they looked like “after the storm has settled” and everything slowly retreats with the ebb and flow of your hormones and sphincter, and time. Truth is, they all look and turn out different. Some are just gone, while some are not. The really MESSED UP THING NOBODY tells you, is that most women who get to experience the anticipation and relief/joy of the TOTAL disappearance of hemorrhoids over time, and then they get to shamelessly rejoice in the celebratory ritual of using their magnified mirror and husbands barbershop clippers to finally RE-MEET AND GREET Vageena....they are never prepared for the future. Part 2. The sequel. None of us really are prepared, except those of us whose hemorrodic friends never leave. But for the ones who enjoyed a renewed confidence ....I want to take my pointer finger right here and now and use it to dramatically press very hard on one of the off note black keys on a piano, and slowly move my head to make intense smoldering eye contact with you. Hear me now. Loud and clear. They’re not gone. It might be the morning after a wine and CHEESE party, it maybe the morning after a long road trip where you sat in the passenger seat for 8 hours, it might be the morning after you had passionate sex with someone who just a few hours ago saw EEEEERTHANG and is now wanting to see it up close again in the daylight...but you will be awakened with that familiar pain, and go silent for a minute to get your bearings. Your face will look like a Tarsier. Go ahead, google the image of a Tarsier. You will yet again try to channel the abilities of someone who is blind, and try to read your butthole like Braille....but you will fail, bc the fear and trauma will numb you at this point. You will psychologically feel that lidocaine butt plug...You will now have PTSD, and it will go one or two ways. You will either frantically look at it in the 5X magnified mirror and be attacked by the deceiving enlarged reflection showing you have a Polska sausage hanging down from your entire ass, or you will calmly use the other side of the mirror and become immediately aware that if you HAD TO PHONE A FRIEND, all you could say is that your butthole has grown its own clitoris, complete with what looks like maybe a pulled back hood. It’s a skin tag hemorrhoid that has hidden inside the picked skin folds....until now. And it hurts like hell. And then.....you’re going to start googling. No you don’t have ass cancer. No, genital warts don’t pop up overnight. No, Preparation H or essentials oils or Witch Hazel will not make that thing go away quickly. So you’ll google some more and quickly stumble on home remedy removals. You will then nervously stare at the dental floss in your bathroom. You will also look at the needle and thread in your craft section, and try to decide between wax or cotton......and then? After reading the horrors of having them surgically removed.......you will break down in a fit of embarrassing but angered frame of mind, and speed dial/call that girlfriend who still has those pics of your cauliflower on her iCloud...but this time, you have no shame and neither does she. And then any resemblance or pride and privacy in your most personal being will evaporate when you fall through that tunnel like Super Mario into the underground world in order to save your princess.
Never did I ever think about having a stomach virus after giving birth, for the first 3 days upon arrival at home. All I’m gonna say about this is.....whether you find yourself ill or not....DO NOT TRUST THAT PAD when you fart. Don’t believe me? Fine. You’ll see for yourself, but I’ve given you fair warning. You know that old saying “when the shit hits the.....”.....I’m taking the liberty to use it in a different way. Because it’s the only way to describe it with dignity and a slight sense of humor what will happen, and what you alone will have to clean up while your baby is hungry and crying at 3am.
Never did I ever think I would ever be able to smuggle a midget, or a brick of black tar heroin across the border....simply by using my c-section scar. It may not be politically correct to say this, but I’m pretty confident by now you probably understand I don’t give a crap. I really do call it my midget smuggler. No matter how much weight I lose, I’m traumatized by the fact that the only way I can lose this flap of skin that looks like an overbite above VAGEENA, is either join the ranks of woman who try to jump over cars and stacks of pallets in order to land in front of a dump truck tire so they can pick it up an run and yell like a Viking......or sign up for a tummy tuck. Nothing wrong with either one. Just not for me. That comes with a price though...NO MO cheap ass bathing suits from Walmart or Target.....oh no baby, you in the big league now. What? What was that you just said in your head? That you’ll always be skinny and that will never happen to you? Girl I said the same thing, for years!!! In my worse moments, when I’m feeling particularly sorry for myself, I admit I’ve drank a bottle of wine and worn my black spanx to bed, just so I can reap the fleeting but powerful benefits of lying to myself as I lay on my side and run my hand across my flat belly....it helps with the confident dreams. And I awake as thankful and peaceful and renewed as I imagine I would be if I woke up to a clean house.
Never did I ever think I would ever be able to say, that after 5,673 years of unbelievably wonderful memories of breast feeding, that I could probably make a crane with my titty from the instructions in an Origami book my son received for Christmas this year. Or the bound paper airplane tutorial on his floor in his bedroom, where all things exist. And, LOL, I’m feeling a tingle of naughtiness slip up here all the sudden so I’m going to ride it like a magic carpet......big facts.....it happens to women who don’t breast feed too!! Why did I stoop low just then? To be quite frank, I’m bitter about losing my boobs. I mean, I lost my ass too....but the boobs hit me hard. I’m tired of seeing those TABOO episodes and the weird crap on the internet where people are willingly dangling, suspended and hanging from hooks through their nipples, because it automatically spurs some weird terrible competitive mood in me.....I’m all like, ooooh okay....lemme put down this glass of wine bc I cannot outdo you in a heartbe........and then at some point I remind myself that I need to sit my ass down. And I do. But......I never ever thought in a million years that after a lifetime of youthful stand up D cups, I would be flipping through the B CUP section while my kindergartener who has recently learned how to read screams across the store, “Mommaaaaaaaaa! Do you like THONG? (Not plural. It just read thong).
I promise. I’m winding down. Life is fun. It’s Sad. It’s exciting it’s crazy. But that doesn’t mean we have to be unprepared for it. Now....I know, I’ve said a lot of things right now. I’m saving the worst for last. I ain’t even gonna lie. This is the pits that NO ONE prepares you for.
Never ever did I ever think, in my whole entire lifetime, that I would one day, in my 40s, be able to grow a full BLACK GOATEE AND ADJOING MUSTACHE. I have light brown very thin hair. Ok. Yeah. I’ve had a cpl I had to pluck over the years....Martha, Gertrude, Blanche........but they were lazy and inconsistent with their growth rate/patterns, and I could usually feel them before I could see them. Something bad happens to some women sometimes. It happened to me. It may not happen to you. I am the bearded lady you would pay to see. I’m the definition of the completely UNAWARE AUNTIE nobody cares enough about to demand she pluck that crap before she visits and tries to kiss all the children who are consciously making the private decision between kissing her and hiding in the neighbors dog house where they KNOW FOR SURE the dog will maul them. Anything to escape those whiskers. I am the Amish woman you confidently haggled with over the price of a bucket of strawberries....you couldn’t understand a word she said, but your ass paid her what she asked for as soon as you watched her slowly and methodically stroke/pull her beard from the roots to the end like every actor who has EVER played the character of Abraham Lincoln. And. You promptly turned your ass around and climbed back on that tour buggy when she didn’t hand you any change. I am the woman who went to an Asian owned nail salon to get a chin wax, only to be told by the owner after three completely unsuccessful wax strips, and she spoke in a VERY STRONG Vietnamese accent, “Aaaaahhhhh! Yo chin hair roooot took strong! I pluck!” I remember batting her away as she came in strong with those tweezers. I am the woman who got juuuuuust** a little too comfortable with shaving with a 5 blade razor in the steamy shower......so much that one day I shattered something deep within my husband when he opened the shower door to ask me where truck keys were. I was completely immersed in my upstroke ZEN, shaving against the growth bc I had important stuff to do that day and I could not have stubble. I could only open my right eye bc of the soap and lather all over my face.... but I saw enough. It was too much for him. He’s been through A LOT with me....bad periods, surgery, peeing myself, anxiety/panic attacks, stomach virus.......but this broke something in him. The only thing he could manage to say right before he slowly closed the door was, “How long have you been doing this?” His tone and demeanor would have been the same if he had walked in and caught me cheating on him red handed. Wouldn’t have been any difference. Then. for some unknown sadistic must be rooted in a sulphuric rock in the worst part of hell....it got worse. I was asked to “grow it out some” before I went in to the doctors for a complete hormone panel. Now mind you, I shave twice a day in order to keep it in the closet. I locked myself inside my home and grew it out for two solid days. When I tell you that I didn’t even NEED a damn SnapChat filter to make me look like was in FULL TRANSITION to be a male, I need you to believe me- not bc I’m telling this is absolutely going to happen to you-but bc I need the pity. I sat in my truck, turned it on as I sighed at my reflection, and began the 45 min journey to my doctors office. I was listening to Welcome to the Jungle by Guns and Roses and going 55 in a 50 zone. And out of nowhere, I saw blue lights behind me. Not even trying to be funny and kid right now......the very young patrolman stood up from his vehicle.....methodically HOISTED his pants up, way up, just like in a movie, more than they should be. Like honestly, I forgot I was legit being pulled over and allowed my imagination to run wild as he slowly approached my window with a very stern face. I asked him if I had a tail light out or something wrong with my vehicle and he replied with a know it all very assured voice, “Mam? Where are you going in such a hurry this morning?” I said, “uhmmmm, well, I’m going to a dr appointment but I checked my speed. 55 is not speeding!” He leaned closer to my window to get a really good look in (btw I love and support law enforcement but this was too theatrical to keep to myself) so I rolled the damn thing all the way down, stuck my chin out at him and said, “I’m going to get my hormones checked. I have more chin hair than you do!” I think the morning dew and sunlight made it glisten; saw the look on his face. It was the same as my husband’s had been when he caught me using his Barbasol and BIC 5 Fkexin’ it up in the steamy shower that day. It’s a comical but extremely potent mixture of horror....disgust...denial...loss of faith in humanity....stop drop roll run erase the board control alt delete empty history sing a Rick Astley song or Amazing Grace over and over again to make your brain forget the image. My facial hair is so bad, it got me out of a ticket. Never ever did anyone tell me HOW MANY WOMEN HAVE TO DEAL WITH ON THE DAILY, just like me. I need y’all to step UP TO THE DAMN plate. You very well may have had the honor of being trusted enough to take a butthole pic of your friend, a pic that is powerful enough to bring down a small country if used in evil ways. But that was a one time job!!! When your girl is pumping gas and you see the wind move one of her chin hairs, or you’re impatiently waiting/watching her try to blend that makeup on her neckline, and you witness a rogue secret agent pop up from underneath her chin and decide to lay down in the light......you dont just urgently tell her, you make a scene by almost breaking her rearview or makeup mirror when you move it so she can see the hair! Then you pluck it out yourself. Make a scene. Drive it home. No man forgotten. None left behind. Do whatever you have to do make a big deal about it so she will be aware and proactive.....don’t let her go down like that. And then. for the rest of your natural born life, as long as you don’t have dementia- it is YOUR SACRED HONOR AND DUTY to make sure those hairs are taken care of.
So much more I can say, like, never did I ever think I’d have to draw my eyebrows on, or wear a baseball cap after giving birth bc the hair loss was so bad around my temples that I looked like I was suffering through chemo. Never was I ever told that I would grow really long hairs around my nipples that made me feel like a witch...I probably would have been torched in Salem.
Be a good...no....GREAT...NO BULLSHIT...honest...diligent and empowering girlfriend. Tell the young, the middle, the old. Be compassionate in your advice and wisdom! Threaten to beat someone’s ass for hurting her, even when you both know you won’t! We are the bringers and nurturers of life. We must help each other more than we do. ~ Ryan Welch Anderson

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The betrayal of VAGEENA and Ol’ Faithful, and how to use secret knowledge to prepare for war.

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